In the wait of the next book
by Smallhouse
Summary: What I wanted to see in Burned/ hope to see in Feverborn. Jada POV :) Takes place somewhere between Burned and Feverborn, in a painful year of anticipation. Of course, all characters and generally the story line fully belong to KMM.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHORS NOTE: Please excuse any mistakes and strange word-phrasings, as English is not my.. first born :) Should any of it really hurt your eyes – let me know and I'll fix it!

 **Jada**

Numb annoyance buzzes at the back of my head, as Ryodan keeps sitting behind his desk, doing paper work. _Again_. Didn't even give me a peek as I sneaked into his office. I bear no illusions he did not notice me. It does irritate though, how transparent his intentions are, acting as though to be caught by surprise, thinking I'll let my guard down. _Fool._ Now I stand right in front of him, arms folded, precisely two meters away from the desk and he _still_ pretends to be swallowed in work. I watch his dark head through narrowed eyes. His wide shoulders are relaxed and slightly down, careless. Bent at the elbows, he slowly slides a pen across the white sheets, writing something patiently, almost bored. The muscles of his forearm ripple smoothly with each move. My teeth clench. I know this sight. Irritation builds up in me further. When this happens, there is only one possible outcome and I have no intention of controlling it – full-blown explosion of spite, the savagery of which can only be eased by the sight of blood. After all, I am here not for the sake of diplomacy. No. I'm here to uproot the problem, not solve it. Fully deny it the right of existence in the same non-negotiable manner it had overtaken my mind. Without any word I throw myself at the man in front of me.

 **Ryodan**

She's on fire. Irritation and spite burn her. She may say she does not feel, but the heat that throws off her is like of a falling comet. And she won't burn up before reaching the end. No. She'd engulf everything around in her destructive flames, ashes falling all over and around, and then and only then she'd burn down to her core as well. _The fuck if I let her._ She's here for me. I give her time to make up her mind. I need her to make up her mind. Her anger towards me is her only weakness. The only way to Dani. The past fire of life is now transformed to fire of hate and revenge. Where once it shined of pure gold, crimson lava irradiates now. I don't let my smile slip out. _But its burning power hasn't changed._ She throws herself at me.

 **Jada**

I know he'll react before I reach him, so I aim instead for the space he'll occupy next – between the desk and the wall, trying to move away from the corner. At the precise moment of my lunge, he lifts his gaze at me and I see a hint of a patronizing smile in it. Our bodies collide at the very spot I intended to, but it's obvious he stepped in it as though to pin-point my predictability. His hands are steel on my arms and we stand still, tight against each other. Next to his desk. Just like I meant to. Now he's just plain throwing that grin at me. I clench my teeth carefully, avoiding to betray any thought.

\- Ryodan.

\- Dani.

\- Jada. Let go of me.

\- You came to me on your own.

\- I came for satisfaction.

\- Satisfaction.

He notably stresses the word. A dark brow raises up. The lips in front of me are still curved mockingly. The blade strapped to my thigh is burning to sink deep in his throat.

\- Of your blood. – Not a single muscle moves in me. – Let go of me.

He looks into my eyes for a moment. Then let goes. I don't move away while he passes between the desk and me. Our bodies touch. He does not try to find my weapons. I cannot care less for his. He will be able to touch me only as long as I permit it.

Ryodan walks away slowly and stops in the middle of the office, legs spread, arms crossed. I don't turn to him until he speaks.

\- Why do you want my blood, Dani?

Full question. And again this name. _Fool._

\- You can stop trying to find in me she who is no longer. It's useless. Pointless. Purposeless. – I offer just to make sure he gets it.

\- You didn't answer my question.

I turn to him.

\- You stole mine.

\- It was Dani's blood. I thought you're not she who is no longer.

I stare at him.

\- I have always protected her. She was a child. You tried to control her, use her, just like the others.

His smile melts. I turn full front at him, ready for attack. But he just narrows his eyes and shakes head almost unperceivably.

\- Turns out you care for her.

I keep looking at him attentively. The chance of successfully digging my blade in him is slim. Not if I just attack him. He wants to talk, thinks he can bring back something he believes still exists. This is my chance. I can play this game. Any game. Slowly I start walking towards him.

\- As I already said, it would be inefficient for me to keep denying that once I was she who you so dully keep looking for. Once. I had felt everything she felt.

\- Thought you don't feel, - he says quietly, watching me.

\- I don't. – I _do_ feel my irritation growing back. – But I was there and withstood everything that was done to her. I'm here now. To collect debts.

Now I stand right in front of him. His eyes never leave me. I want to stretch my hands, place my palms on his cheeks and snap his neck. Neatly. His smile is back. My palms are itching. The sound of a snapped neck is irreplaceable.

\- What reason could you possibly have, - he murmurs. - So much effort for someone who, according to your own words, is no longer. This is so … emotional.

My reflex is lightning. The blade shines silently and stills millimeters from his throat. There is no tremble in my hand. His tightens on mine. We look at each other. My heart beats rhythmically. I feel it. I like it. I like fights. This will be hard, yet so much anticipated.

\- We've already tried this once, Dani, - Ryodan says quietly. – You think it will end differently why.

His face reflects in the blade. Eyes shimmer the same color as the metal. I smile coolly.

\- Had I wanted, you would've been dead then.

\- And you want now.

\- I want.

\- I'm not stopping you. – His gaze jumps shortly to our hands and lifts up to me again. Provoking.

A smile plays on his lips and for a second I keep my eyes on them. Looking back, I meet the strange flicker of his eyes. His hand is fully relaxed. Holding onto mine, but only that. I tighten my jaw, trying to remember if there was any resistance in it before. I chase away the thought. _Doesn't matter._

\- If you want, you can try to kill me, - Ryodan repeats. – If you want.

\- I want. – I don't lie to myself ever. I _do_ want to kill him.

\- The fuck you want. You want something else. Jada. What is it.

I narrow my eyes and hold my breath. I want to fight. I want blood and pain. His. Mine. I've been anticipating this moment far too long to pass it in plain useless talking. His hand slowly raises towards my cheek and for a second I think he wants to cup it. My fingers tighten on the blade handle. His hand passes me, without touching, and laces in the back of my ponytail. The strength with which he immobilizes my head equals the strength with which my hand presses on the blade. Now he is resisting my hand, not letting me cut a perfectly symmetrical opening in his neck.

\- I know what you really want. Jada. – he says huskily. – You need to rid of me.

The look I cut him amuses him.

\- You need to rid of me. Out of your head. But you can't exactly do it, can you. And you think that killing me might at least release you from the need to think of why is that. Is that it… little girl?

I switch to super-speed, push my leg between his, pulling forward one of them, and shove him back at the same time with my free hand. He rocks backwards and I lean with all my weight on his body to throw him off his feet. In result he falls and pulls me with him, still holding my hair. We hit the floor and, as our bodies collide, the air whistles out of our lungs. I fix myself on top of his chest and press with both hands on the blade at his throat. His hand is steel in my hair, the other immobilizes the knife. Neither of us makes a sound. I look at his calm, clean face, and it looks back at me coolly, almost indifferently. My gaze drops back to the blade. Now the thin metal touches almost unperceivably the skin beneath. Small drop of blood slides out and spreads slowly on the edge of the blade. Low gasp cuts through the silence. I'm exasperated to realize it came from me. The next moment I'm lying under his heavy body, knife, knocked out of my hands, clatters soundly across the floor, and Ryodan mounts my hands on both sides of my head.

\- You _can't_ kill me, little girl – he says in hoarse husky voice. – Even if you _want_.

Red-hot raging heat leaks through my body at this name. He cuts me before I say anything.

\- But there is another way to get me out of your head, - his eyes still pierce me coolly. – And you know it.

I don't say a word. My hands are dead-trapped. There is no point in trying to release them with force. He leans forward and touches slightly my ear with lips.

\- Come on. Show me how much better you are. Jada.

I stare at the ceiling for a second and something tightens in me. Weakly, I can almost ignore it. Still it leaves annoying aching feeling. I focus back my gaze. _This is a fight I can win._

I close my eyes slowly and turn head towards him, forehead presses against his. And stay like that. His lips find my cheek, leave a burning trace. He let goes of my hand and carefully slides in my hair, holding the nape of my neck and brushing gently my cheekbone with a thumb. I open eyes and meet his gaze. Shimmering. I narrow eyes. Triumphing. My fingers lace in his hair too and in rough pull I reach for his lips. They are soft. Warm. Meeting me. The thumb presses my chin and forces my mouth open, tongue slides and slowly penetrates. Its tip finds mine and touches it lightly. It's wet and sleek and it gets a small moan out of me. _Cut him into tiny perfectly symmetrical pieces_ , I vow. He remains still, mouth-parted, tongue in mine and hot breath reaching my lips. Never leaving his eyes, I touch him back. His gaze is crushing. We taste each other for a while, then his jaws push harder and seal fully our mouths. His tongue starts thrusting deeper, tangling with mine, letting go, exploring further and getting back to it. A feeling, starting from my chest and running down my body, makes me shiver and I try to calm myself.

 **Ryodan**

I find her tongue and rub around it real slow, knowing. For long. The softness is mind-blowing. Her body relaxes almost unperceivably. The hand in my hair eases back and settles gentler. I push open with my jaws and start licking her hot mouth. Low wet sounds roll around us in the dead silence of the office. It's a strong turn-on. She shivers underneath me and slows down. I am in no hurry. There is nowhere else I am going to be. I suck her lip and pull it as she drifts away from me. Then lift my gaze and meet her cat eyes. She stares at me quiet, flashing scenes of death and pain at me. I betray no thoughts. She's playing a game, but has no idea what the rules are. This gives me an advantage. I place a mask of impassivity on my face.

She registers it immediately and does precisely what I am hoping for. Throwing me on my back, she slides on top of me and straps me with her slender legs, closely pressing to my body, and crushes back my mouth. We fight for the lead for some time and then I pretend she wins. _Fuck._ I laugh at myself. She's rubbing on my dick, sweet and slow. Her tongue is tangled with mine… she _is_ winning, no pretend here.

I curse, grab her face in my palms and, pulling up, keep her strapped on me. She wraps her hands around my neck and responds with a violent kiss. After few seconds I push her under me, squeeze her tight and press close to her, pulling her hard to my dick. She lets a growl out and lifts her hips towards me. We start rolling on the floor like this, fighting for domination, in the end stopping to catch breath. She's on top. Fire hair sliding out of her ponytail. Fevered cheeks. Eyes shimmering in a green shade of gold. _Dani._ I clench my teeth. My dick is a stone. I need to finish with this as soon as possible.

Her gaze is smug. Predatory. Hungry.

I know what needs to be done. In a rough lunge I push us off the floor into the wall. She gasps in my mouth, angry, bites me. I slide a hand underneath her and grab her ass. Her legs meet me, open wide and pull me closer to her. I let air out through my teeth abruptly, bend forehead to hers and slowly begin to imitate fucking. My dick protrudes like a stick through my pants and thrusts openly across her pussy. Cloths irritate. I lift gaze and see her. Mouth-parted she's staring at the point where I'm sliding on her and two pink spots are blushing high on her cheekbones. It's a bigger turn-on than I can imagine. I grab her hair, pull back and suck her mouth. She can't answer at once, just stills for a while under the pressure of my jaws and follows their lead. My dick keeps rubbing her in the same pace. She begins to vibrate and I know it's now or never. There won't be any other chance.

The button on her pants pops open and flies to the side. I grab them and peal them of her ass, half-way down the tights. The silkiness of her skin drives me crazy and for a sec I'm afraid this will be impossible. Her impervious, widely-opened gaze doesn't help much. I hold her like that for few moments, bare ass, legs trapped in pants, hanging on both sides of my hands. I want her. All of her. My beast roars. With crooked expression I reach for my pants. Pop the button slowly. My eyes are mounting her, not missing a single detail. Her face is a mystery. I imprint every fucking expression running through it, analyzing it violently, looking for some sign…the sound of fly opening cuts the air between us. Her eyes shimmer brighter. The savagery in them is mingled with something else. My dick shoots up, freed from the fucking pants. I take it, not leaving her eyes, and, stroking slowly, direct it towards her. She's so still she might as well have stopped breathing. The head touches her wet flesh and I bite my tongue no to moan in ecstasy. She's hot and soft. Her motherfucking-mind-blowing lips are tight and sleek and my dick shivers just from touching them. The heat coming off her almost burns my skin. Her body vibrates lowly and I get she's trying to control herself too. _No fucking chance, my girl._ Holding my dick, I starts rubbing the painfully swollen head over her lips, spreading the wetness, feeling her everywhere. She sucks in sharp breath through tightly clenched teeth and throws her head backwards. I freeze for a small moment, watching with blank eyes the pulsating artery at her throat. Blood swells in my eyes. _Fuck._ Now or never. I cup her fevered cheek tenderly and turn her eyes on me, never stop rubbing.

\- This is what you want? – The sound comes off husky and brute, barely legible from the fanged mouth.

It cuts through the silent room and startles her. She opens eyes abruptly and the pupils dilate across me. I press harder against her and continue rubbing. Smacking, sliding wet sounds start filling up the dead silence.

\- This is what you want. Jada.

She stares at me silently, eyes wide, mouth slight-parted. Air running through it is scares and shallow. She licks her lips carefully and keeps staring at me with those big green endless crystals.

My dick hurts. I push it forward with the whole body, letting it slide over her pussy, and start thrusting slowly, as her clit gets caught in the rubbing. Her _motherfucking_ body vibrates from head to toe in the taste of anticipation. I lean forward, placing my cheek next to hers, close eyes and say softly in her ear:

\- Then give me Dani back.

One. Two heart beats. I'm holding back my breath, standing absolutely still. Jada shudders. Lets hissing air out and whispers in a shacking voice:

\- _Feck you!_

Next an icy metal blade pierces my chest and in a powerful blow she pushes me away. I grunt in a low, gargling sound, mixed with the blood from my lungs, and in rabid realization try to stop her. But Dani is gone.

 **Jada**

I shoot down the corridor and the stairs, fly pass Ryodan's men and explode off Chester's like a bottle cork. _What the…_ My breathing is hectic. I glance sideways wildly and dive into the darkness of the night.

 _What was that._ I play the event over and over in my head. _It's all correct_. This _was_ the plan. I wanted this. The guttural rattle of Ryodan chases me. I have heard this sound before. I know how people die. But the sound of dying Ryodan is unique. It messes with my head. _Shit._ I shake my head irritably. Collecting the most spiteful memories I managed to gather in life, I submerge myself blissfully in them. _Yes. Exactly. All this._ I open my eyes. Death flickers in them quietly. _It's all correct_. This _was_ the plan. And he _deserved_ it. The annoying dull feeling of dissatisfaction interferes with my thinking. The sight of his pulsating head, slowly sliding over my wet flesh… I clench my teeth and close eyes.

\- Mega?

The quiet voice cuts like a knife on skin. _No-no-no!_ I can't do this now. Not now. Not ever.

\- Mega!

The pain and shock in his voice bounce down the street and pierce my chest in a cascade. I think over the possibilities frantically. Galloping down the street is highly tempting. Too bad I don't run. Too bad I don't step back. I meet, full-front. Crush and step over the left-overs of what stood in my way. This is the only way to move forward. The rest simply doesn't work.

Drawing a deep breath, I slowly turn and meet Dancer.

He stares at me in complete horror and for the first time since I have known him he has nothing to say. My face tightens. Looking at him like that-, I bite my tongue, because all I can think of saying is: "Dude! Look at your face!". Just the sheer thought of that makes breathing hard, my throat constricts and with brutal effort I try not to burst out laughing. I squeeze my lips. Jada is incompatible with Dancer. So is Dancer with her. Friendship, need of connection, approval … they limit. Deprive of freedom. They are as dangerous, as any other enemy. _As Ryodan at our next meeting._

\- She who you once called this way no longer exists, - I say quietly. Patience and compassion mostly limit the communication. The meaning often gets lost in politeness. I want to be very clear with Dancer.

He still stares at me across the street, not saying a word.

\- Dani went through the Silvers five and a half years ago. In this time, the things she went through made her emerged as a different person. Me. She _is_ no longer. Long time now.

I pause for a moment and add carefully, picking my words right.

\- You meant the world to her. You never hurt her. For all the time she knew you, you were a true friend to her. Perhaps, the only one. This will not be forgotten. I wish you no harm, and should you require an assistance of any sort…

\- What the hell are you gabbing, Mega? – Dancer interrupts. He crosses hurryingly the street and approaches me carefully, watching me from head to toe. – What the hell have you done to yourself?

\- I am Jada. I need no other names. Remember that. – I _need_ him to hear me. I incline my head and go on: - Dani is gone. I could imagine that for you this is uneasy to accept…

\- Uneasy? – Dancer's eyes widen, he opens mouth to say something, but then closes it.

We stand like that, silently, and it feels like a small eternity. I wear a stone mask, he studies me slowly. Perhaps, because my body is taller now, but Dancer seems somehow different. Taller, leaner. He steps right in front of me and I have to lift my head, no to break the eye contact. His eyes are moving from one side to the other, fast. I know he is thinking intensely. The expression on his face is unreadable. I don't register hostility. Neither do I sense emotional outbreak. I relax a little. Suddenly, he stretches his hand and takes my palm in his carefully. His warm fingers squeeze mine softly and stay like that.

I don't move, letting him touch me, knowing this will give him some closure, get him to accept the reality. This is an exception. I don't do exceptions.

\- How long…? – his voice sounds a little hoarse. – For how long was Dani there before you came?

 _Insignificant questions._

\- Fourteen months and seven days.

His thumb is brushing my palm. Eye are trying to get more information. But he does not insist. Only slightly bends his head and kind of nods. I try to release my hand and step away, but he holds me back, pulling me softly towards him. I am not worried. I can take him down in one move. But I don't. Just keep watching him silently. Dancer pulls my hand around his waist and lays it there, sort of showing me how to hug him. Then he opens his big hands and carefully pulls me in his embrace. I am surrounded by Dancer's warmth and smell. His arms wrap around me and gently squeeze at my shoulders. Head leans on the side of my forehead.

\- Thank you, - he utters quietly. – For saving her.

I move no muscle in my body. My hand lies stiffly on his waist.

\- I want you to understand – I am grateful you exist. Without you Dani would never be. You are the only one who has always been there, protecting her. – Dancer whispers and tenderly rocks us in his hug. I clench my teeth, giving him few more seconds. I never make exceptions. Exceptions precede regrets. His next words confirm that. – I know you are in there and hear me. These words are for you. I will never forget what you have done. Thank you.

A chilling sense runs down my spine and I abruptly tense. Dancer let goes off me and steps back.

\- I know what you are doing, Mega, and why. And I won't ask you not to. Remember, if you need anything, you know where to find me.

And just like that Dancer sinks into the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Jada**

The next few days I submerge myself in my Faе-extermination campaign. They flee now just with the mere mention of me, something I get a great deal of pleasure from. The majority started migrating already, or at least put much effort in concealing themselves and staying low. This does nothing for them. Concealing is pointless with me. Fae are extincting species and it gets them worried. Lately, it would seem I had frighten them to the point they no longer move around alone. Groups of several are my usual prey. If possible with a few sifters among them. No doubt, thinking they could capture me or/and kill me. I think they are willing to risk it, just so they could see someone putting me down. Sometimes, I even think that killing me is considered a heroic action among them, like a Herculean labor or something, probably ensuring leading position within their kind for a good while. _As if. More like Sisyphus labor_. With all their royals exterminated or missing, Fae casts are in chaos. In combination with my cleaning campaign, the hysterics and fear will soon chase them all over the world. I grin savagely.

The park in which I had just conducted my most recent clean is overgrown with wild bushes and trees. Leafy brunches fall around me and conceal me fully. Here, no one can get me off guard. The darkness masks, the carpet of dried leaves alerts. I am alone here. Free. The only possible way to be free. Invisible. My grin grows bigger. Adrenalin takes over and not being able to withhold it further, I throw my head backwards and burst out laughing. I feel my eyes shining. Тhe throaty sound strokes me from inside. I _am_ in Dublin. Kicking ass, everyone's, even Ryodan's, spreading horror and shock all around, not letting anything reduce my lethality or composure. Nothing can touch me. I had eradicated all weaknesses. Cut them off deep. With my own hands. Scratched them out with nails. I'm unstoppable.

The laughing wave weakens slowly and I take deep breaths to calm again. I rarely allow myself do such a thing, but sometimes it's just plain healthy. Cold-bloodedness comes easy and natural now, but the urge of burst out laughing sometimes is unbearable. None is allowed to see it. So I do it in places like this. My eyes are closed now and I'm stretching for that cold half of me that is unaffected by anything. Its comfort and protection are soothing. There was time its emotionless frightened me. No longer. I embrace it now. It empowers me.

Light susurration, barely sensed, terminates the remaining of my joy. I pin-point the exact location of the disturbance and melt into the night. With three lightning lunges I slickly climb the trees and check out the spot. There is no one here. I glance around silently. Ears up. Nothing. I close my eyes then and inhale deeply. Traces of a spicy scent are still in the air. Familiar. I'm no longer looking around. Abruptly I dive into the emptiness to my left, hands stretched, searching. We collide in the air with a low thud, a man curses. Firmly grabbing the invisible intruder, I start accelerating towards the ground. It approaches too fast and I prepare myself for the impact by pulling his body in between us as a buffer. A deep growl rumbles from below me just before reaching the ground. Strong hands manacle my arms and flip us around and I find myself under him, few centimeters away from collision. With eyes and teeth tightly clenched, I embrace myself for the blow. Nothing happens. _How the_ … I open eyes confused and realize I'm hanging in the air. Earth is probably a step away from my back, and above me hangs Christian MacKeltar, wings wide-spread, withholding me from the ground.

\- Bloody hell, lass. Why bother saving me if you'd kill me later?

My grin is light and short.

\- Christian.

This is confusing. I'm not sure I can avoid grinning at this guy. _The choice he made for me_. I decide to try out my comfy mask here too. My face goes impermeable and smooth.

\- Put me down.

\- Ouch, lass. What have you done to yourself...

 _There is that phrase again._

\- Do it, Christian. You are not on my list. No need to change that.

He keeps watching me with wonder, but lifts us up lightly and slowly lets our feet touch the ground.

\- Bloody hell, Dani…

\- Jada, - I cut him.

\- What?

\- It's Jada now.

I step away from him. One precise, small step. Enough to pull up my barricades. Not as much to imply fear or discomfort.

\- Jada? What's wrong with Dani, lass? – He watches me with bright smile. He's gotten humanized again. I guess being chained in the hag's nest had its positive sides after all. - I recall you called yourself Mega too at certain point. Have to say, liked that one better.

\- It's Jada. No other name needed, - I still ponder how exactly to go with this guy. – Dani went into the Silvers five and a half years ago. But it's me who came out of there. And I _am_ Jada.

I pause and add:

\- It'd be appreciated should you not insist in finding that child in me. It's so …boring.

\- Ouch, lass…

Christian doesn't smile anymore. He watches me through narrowed eyes, but his expression is kind.

\- Aye, I see it. You've changed, - he nods slowly. – You've grown up.

Suddenly his face changes, eyes filling up with dangerous sparkles, tattoos surfacing and pulsating across his skin.

\- How the hell did dickhead let this happen?! – He hissed angrily. His hands are on me again and he squeezes my shoulders not so very gentle. – Ouch, lass, I would have never ever let this happen! I'm gonna rip his head off the moment he crawls out of his hole!

\- You were a little occupied, Christian, - I don't fight away the small smile now. – There was no chance for you to find me during that time. It was not expected of you either. Plus… there is only so many favors a girl can ask for.

His fingers tighten further.

\- You, lass, can ask for as many as you want.

I harden a little, small annoyance building up in me.

\- I didn't…I _won't_ ask you for any. Ever. I don't ask for favors. – I feel _obliged._ The realization throws some light on my underlying irritation. I didn't ask him for that _grand gesture_. It was _too_ much. My debt to him is too big. I clench my teeth and push him in the chest with both hands. – I didn't ask you for such a sacrifice! Why on earth would you do such a thing…

\- Why? – He cuts me, pulling me closer to him. I don't think I want to fight him. I _can't_ fight him. The feeling of obligation spikes around me and cages up through my body. Just like that I have a weakness again. I _despise_ this feeling.

– Why, you ask, lass? – He repeats and anger mixed with something else keeps rippling under his skin. His face is close, hands enclosing mine. With small exhale, he leans forehead against me and strokes my cheeks with thumbs. – Because you are light, lass. Beautiful, shiny, burning sun.

I don't think my teeth can be clenched further without breaking.

\- You …, - he trails off for a moment closing eyes. – You give all of you to the rest of the world. _All of you_. And, ouch lass, you _care_. You care so much, it kills you slowly. You _can't_ be doing that! It's _not_ your responsibility. And you are just a little girl… shiny and beautiful…

\- I _am not_ a little girl anymore. – My voice come off harsh and raspy.

He opens his eyes and stares me down.

\- You think I don't see that!

The muscles on his jaws ripple slowly.

\- Fucking dickhead, how could he let this happen! – He explodes again. Suddenly I'm locked in his arms, my chin buried in his chest and I feel his voice vibrating underneath. The pain in it does something to me I don't want to ever feel. – _Dani_ …I'm so sorry... I should have been there… This is not how you were supposed to grow up… you …the most precious treasure of this world... and all you've given… _not_ how it should have happened… _not_ how you should have been _treated_ …you were _not_ supposed to be doing this _alone_ …

I'm stiffer than the trees around. No one had ever said anything remotely like this to me. I can do only two things with it. I chose to submerge in the familiar one.

\- _Feck_ you, Christian!– I push his away with all my strength and throw him a flare of hate. – You can take your pity and sorry and go drawn in them all you want. But don't drag me in there with you! Boo-hoo! So sad I grew up! _The feck it is!_ It didn't happen overnight, you know? I grew up, and I am aware of it. I wanted it. I needed it. _Feck_ , I have always _been_ it. And I _like_ it! I am strong. And perfect. And I don't need you ... or anyone for that matter… to feel bad for me or try and save me! _Dude._ I save myself!

I take a deep, fresh, cold breath, and let the rush of glory flow through me again.

\- _And it is_ _awesome._

The smirk on my face must have looked a little too savage, as he stares at me speechlessly. I drop my final line:

\- And it's _Jada_.

Christian stays frozen for a moment, right in front of me, looking at me. Can't read a single thought. Feel the violence though. He's …pissed. At _me._ Next thing, we're already rolling on the ground, leaves rustling, branches cracking. He threw himself at me, think, planning to plaster me to the ground just like he did once before. When I was _weaker._ Guess what, _dude_. I explode right back at him, pushing him off me, trailing along with his body, as he holds my wrists hard. So we roll. And grunt. And spit savagery and curses. _Feck_ , I think, _I'll have to knife this one too_. I _don't_ want to do that! I push him on his back, hard.

\- What the hell is wrong with you?!

I've saddled his chest, but my wrists are still trapped. He watches me from below, eyes glowing, lips tight. My hair slides slowly around my shoulder and hangs next to his face.

\- I can ask you the same question, - he growls. – Why are you pretending to be someone else?

\- I'm not pretending! I _am_ Jada!

\- Stop making this sound! _Jada._ Where the hell did you come up with this name? You are _Dani._

It's my turn to growl, as I try to pull my hands back. He just strengthens his grip and draws my whole body forward.

\- Dani is _gone_! – I think I screamed that. _Feck_ , I need to find back my cool again. Fast. My face relaxes and my voice chimes with frost, when I continue. – She was too weak to survive. I was her only chance. She embraced me. Accepted me. Gave me life. _Her life_. In return – I keep it safe.

\- Don't lie to me. – Christian cuts me. - I hear it. It's offending.

\- I'm not lying.

\- Lie.

\- I saved Dani!

\- Lie…

\- I am Jada and Dani would have died without me!

\- Lie!

I glare at him.

\- What's the lie?

He pulls me with one single move right next to his face and murmurs:

\- You… are Dani.

There is a victorious smile in his voice.

\- And you are hiding it. And this, lass, is unacceptable.

His eyes are stroking my features, fingers now gently rubbing the squeezed places on my wrists. The anger is gone. He got his answer. I realize him being a lie detector makes it impossible for me to keep insisting. I sigh slowly and look away for a moment. Before he gets to make me look back, I cut him a look, not actually sure of what it telegraphs, and say tiredly:

\- I'm not pretending, Christian. I chose this. I'm choosing to be Jada. I don't want to be Dani anymore. I can't be.

My wrists are free again, as he dropped his hands to his sides, and I straighten myself carefully above him, looking directly into his golden shiny eyes. They flicker imperceptibly at my next words.

\- I am just not her.

 _Jada is my harbor_. Returning here – it was only possible as her. Dani has no place here. No safe zone. The people she chose to trust were not what she needed. They failed her. She failed herself. The need of being saved – it's destructive. It takes your essence and shrinks it to the form of a room plant. Which dies pathetically with no say in its own destiny, should no one care to water it. I am never going to do that again. I am never going _to be_ that again. Jada _is_ the smarter one of us. And she _deserves_ to live. She saved us, and cared for us, and made us. And I don't want to lose her.

Christian glares silently. I see it. His regrets. Sadness. Disappointment. I sigh. At least my irritation is much better controlled this time. Christian is as special as he's giving me credits for. There is no way I _want_ to hurt this guy.

I stand up and stretch hand to him.

\- Common. Don't be a stranger.

 _Take it you idiot and don't make us enemies._ I need him on my side, otherwise there is no way I _can_ permit him to live. And I can and will kill him should he be as stupid as not to take my hand. The spear is millimeters from my other hand, and milliseconds away from him. He takes my hand. Slowly and carefully. I pull him up as slow and he raises above me, warm and so close. Our hands are still holding.

\- Are you really willing to kill me? – His voice is low, filled with unsaid emotion.

\- Not willing. But going to, should you betray me, – my eyes are fixed on his, trying to say all the things I cannot say. – Are you with me, Christian?

He bends silently and touches my lips with his lightly. The softness and gentleness is mesmerizing. Pulled just few millimeters away from me, he whispers:

\- Always, lass.

He caught me off guard, so I stay still and just look at those lips with wonder. They move as he whispers further:

\- But I can't accept you hiding behind this cold mask. It's offending to who you actually are.

Christian steps slowly away and says with louder, harsher voice:

\- Your secret stays with me, lass. But I can't stay with you, while you do this. When you are ready, come to me, Dani and I will never let anything hurt you ever again.

Our eyes are locked as he sifts away. I ease the grip on the spear and try to control my tremble.


	3. Chapter 3

**Jada**

My head hurts. Like a migraine. What the feck. I don't get _migraines_! Migraine is a word weaklings use to excuse their inability to function accordingly when the situation demands and the body fails. My body never fails me. Not any more anyways. Full body control is absolutely permanent state of mind I have mastered years ago. No physical distraction can stand between me and what I wrap my mind around. I've tested it many times. Succeeded every single one. _Full body control_. I love it, I own it. It is one of the basic survival skills. Yet my head hurts. And I mean it – it hurts like hell. Like all the hells, plastered together, wrapped in metal blades, slowly crawling all over my skill. Back and forth. Slowly. Painfully. I sigh, immediately regretting it, as it's followed by a strong nauseous wave I barely contain. _Yep_. I have a migraine.

Squeezing teeth painfully tight, I take over the pain and regain control. Slowly rotating head I try to figure out what I'm lying on, wondering how I got there and why is the migraine. Normally, I'm quite efficient in the logical deduction; however, taking into account what I felt with my head while rotating…or rather didn't feel… my line of thoughts gets terminated immediately and I open my eyes abruptly. There was _nothing_ around my head. Meaning it must be hanging in the air… which indeed was the case, as I confirmed by the brief painfully bright glimpse I manage to throw, just before shutting my eyes back, sinking into blissful darkness again. _Alright._ It's as bad as it normally gets. I'm manacled in a moist dark dungeon, grimly lit by shy torches, hands spread to both sides, legs... concentrating my energy into one single thought, I literally feel it metamorphosing through the pain and forming a nerve impulse that slowly slides down to my legs. The muscles contract and I move carefully left-right. OK. Legs – free. This can be handy.

I sigh again. I don't worry. Chains and dungeons are so common in my experience, they almost bore me. How come no one ever puts you lying on a water matrass, with some tickling devices, activated each time you regain conscious? _Dude._ That would suck. I take a second to appreciate the fact that this was not in fact how I actually woke up, then I'm back at analyzing the current situation again. Normally, taking into account our last meeting, I'd expect Ryodan to have a major part in my chaining up. However, I don't remember seeing him again after that misfortunate knife accident… _misfortunate as in it didn't really do much_...so I decide to leave this option aside for now. I'm fairly certain that if Ryodan has me – I'd know. I ponder further. Dancer and Christian. Somehow I get the feeling they are linked to this. I dig deeper around that thought. Strong annoyance and something else fill up my mouth with foul taste. I remember now.

It was the night I met Christian. He said all those things with a voice and face so kind and gentle, no man of his size and looks could ever pull off. Yet he did. And I felt something. Which I chose to drown in anger. Which works just fine with me usually. However, this time it just added up to the nostalgic and slightly creepy feeling I was already ignoring from Dancer… well… actually, no. That wasn't it. It was something else that added up in an unmanageable combination with the rest of the recent experiences. _Yes._ It was what Christian said. The certainty with which he knew I was not Jada. And he is a lie detector. This took me pretty hard. I had known for a while now that Jada is no longer in full control. However, I was really sure we were more, like, sharing the driver's seat. Like partners. Superhero partners. But real ones. That do not try to overshadow each other. But work together to thrive and stay alive. Having each other's back, no matter what. She was there for me. Strangely kind and loving, considering how cold and hard she is. There was one person that mattered to her in the world, and it was me. And the moment I accepted her, it was like coming home. Like it always should have been. For a while then she was in charge, giving me the chance of recovering and catching up with the program. It was only her and me back there. One could survive only if the other also did… It's a deep, strong co-dependent motivation. Bonds even worst enemies. And after everything we've been through, I can't imagine my life without her.

But then, I came back to Dublin and everything is as I left it, everyone is the same, except Ryodan is cracking up Batman jokes, and Mac does not blame me anymore. And it feels like Jada is slowly disappearing, merging like a ghost with the surroundings, turning into a memory _. I don't want to let her go_. She calls me a wussy, almost mocks me. But I know she thinks I am strong now, and I don't need her in charge anymore. And she's stepping back and letting me in the driver's seat. And all I can think of is… _but what about her_? When will she get to live? She deserves to live! She's _earned_ it. So I made a vowel. To honor her presence and never forget what she did for me. What she's done ever since I was a little child. All the difficult choices. All the pain. She'd been my rock. And even though she taught me enough not to rely on her, I will not let her disappear. I will let her _live_.

Christian's statement got me heavily off-balance. I had not realized how far gone Jada was. And then the most horrific thought came to me. That maybe… I don't mind her gone after all. Christian had been there, so warm, and big and gentle. And he kissed me in the tenderest way I had ever been kissed. And then, instead of dislocating his neck, I just stand there, all wobbly. And all I can think about is… _feck,_ if only Ryodan could kiss me like that _._ Thankfully, Jada finally, _finally_ , kicked in then. Or I kicked in Jada. Or we both just clinched to each other, finding back our cool, forever anathematizing such a ridiculous and dangerous thought. And I remember going all cool and angry. I had to make sure I will not lose my composure again. I tried reasoning with Jada, asking her to stay with me, not let me lose it. But she did not answer. She hasn't answered in a while now. I don't like that. I don't like it one bit. I'm afraid I'll slip back into the old ways. All trusty and useless, and needy. And I'll lose her. Forever.

So I do something not so smart, perhaps… judging by my current state. I go to the only person I know that could bring out Jada, strongly. If it's not her blaming eyes every time she looks at me, then it would be me blaming her for what she'd done all those years ago. In any case, however it is, Mac seems to have this effect on me. I can't just _be_ around her. There has been too much pain, resentment and guilt. It's been broken through and through. In fact, when I think about it, I don't even understand how else I expected it to end. What was I thinking befriending her, playing all sister-like, when I couldn't even erase the image of _her_ dying sister from my head? There has never truly been a moment when Mac and I were really friends, because friends can never hide things like this from each other, and, yet, there was never an option of remaining friends, after the truth would come out. So there I was, shield with all these thoughts, sneaking quietly to Barrons Books and Babbles.

Barrons was at Chesters earlier, and I didn't see his car or motorbike anywhere. He was away. Still I chose to remain in the safety of the street shadows. Even though Barrons was now avoidable for me, I was there for something entirely different than dealing with him. So sparring, possibly even battle to death, was far from my wish list at that point. I was there for one person and one alone. She was sitting in the rear part of the shop. I just _knew_ it. Didn't even have to see her. The wards of the building are potent, but not designed to keep _me_ away. The unlocked windows made no other difference, but saving time. I slid in, as gracefully as possible, considering my luggage, and gently approached the reading area behind the bookstore. Just as I predicted, there she was – cuddled on the chesterfield, digging through fat ancient scribblings. I couldn't exactly tell what her expression was, as she was still fully transparent and invisible to the eye, but I sensed her general state – it hanged like a dark cloud in the room, heavy and gloomy. She was worried, I could feel it. I chose not to make it my problem. Just as she had chosen not to make it hers when I stepped through that mirror all those years ago. I stepped into the room.

There was no way she could have noticed me, my body slid soundlessly and too fast to be seen. Yet I heard a slight change in her breathing, small sharp inhale, and I could almost feel her head lifting up and looking around. _Well done, Mac._ She was good. Perhaps, better I'd given her credits for. She'd changed too in fact. Maybe because I've attributed it to the change of her behavior towards me, but I haven't really noticed it earlier. Suddenly I wished I could see her face, trace her expressions, see her thoughts in them. Understand her better. We had become strangers her and I. It was a strangely relieving feeling and I couldn't really analyze it right away. Didn't have time for it either. As it seemed her senses were sharpened, I couldn't risk letting her dive into invisibility and sneak out on me. So I went on with my plan without further thought, speeding towards her, arms ready, fingers tight on the metal holder. She felt me then, now with certainty. I felt her turning her head straight at me and heard a high gasp, just before I threw my hands forward and let the muddy substance in the bucket I carried spill out and cover her from head to toe. Her gasp terminated for a second, but then, perhaps at the image of me right in front of her with an empty, still dripping mud bucket, or perhaps because she realized she hadn't died or suffered any injury, she let out a pitchy banshee-like terrifying scream and jumped on her feet. I couldn't conceal my smirk at her expression, now well encrypted in the muddy mush slowly sliding down her face.

"Hey Mac," there was nothing better I had come up with. I decided the let her lead the conversation, pretty sure that her lack of emotional control will lead us in the direction I seek fairly soon.

"H..hey Mac?!" she grunted. She actually _grunted._ "That's all you say?!"

She rubbed her eyes, splashing mud off it to the sides. _Ha._ The thinner layers of mud turned invisible. I realized I should hurry up, but yet I remained silent, waiting for her to misstep. She didn't let me wait long. Hands to her sides, a leg tapping with irritation (or just trying to kick away some of the dirt), she went on:

"What the hell do you want, _Jada_? I'm guessing by the mud covering me you want to talk, not just kill..."

"Why can't it be both?" I replied coolly, wishing the mud on her face hadn't slid so much, as it made some of her features invisible and hard to read.

She crossed her arms.

"You wanna chat, and _then_ kill me? Or kill me _first_ and then chat a little with my corpse?"

She was angry, caught off guard and blabbed irrelevantly. I sighed silently.

"Maybe you haven't changed as much as I was giving you credits for."

She looked at me quietly for a while, judging by the general position of her body, then shook her head and turning back to me, walked slowly away. As she stood at the fire place, back still to me, I could see that half of her head and the top of her shoulders were fully gone again.

"What could you possibly know…" she trailed off.

Something in her voice made my chest ache dully at that point, I remember. I wanted to be angry at her, but it was so difficult to ignore this ache. Deep and throbbing. Jada has been repeatedly insisting on putting Mac on top of the list. Hell, she _was_ the list to begin with. Ryodan followed shortly after that terrible night, when I begged and prayed for him to come and rescue me, swearing I'll never irritate him on purpose and I'll never be late for work. If only he would come. I was so certain he would. In that night, however, I realized that I could either clinch to hope and die pathetically, or take the hand of that savage, angry, sociopathic animal in my head and _live_. Oh, and she was angry. So angry. With everyone. With me, with Ryodan, with my sidhe-seer sisters, with Jo, with Barrons. With _Mac_. She was _supposed to_ understand! See through that horrible truth, and understand… And yet, she didn't even try, and, drowning in pain, she chose the easy way. Of hate. And resentment. She was _supposed to be_ better than that! She wasn't. She failed. Just like everyone else.

And there I stood submerging every bit of Dani left in a raging, burning anger. The woman in front of me was still looking at the fire, back to me. Why wasn't she saying anything? Why wasn't she moving?! I took a step. And another one. Approaching her slowly, eyes on her, death flickering in them. There was a monster inside me, stretching hand. Again. Telling me to let it go and to embrace it. Again. It promised to chase the pain away and to make me stronger than ever. This is what I came for there, that night. I just had to do this one single thing. And Jada would be with me. Forever.

Mac sobbed then, I remember. The sound came off low and ... heartrending. It overwhelmed the air with tension and strong feeling of desperation. I froze mid-step. The half-visible shoulders in front of me shook in emotional distress and she started crying hopelessly, palms pressed to her mouth, sobs slipping out fitfully.

"I… I…" she faltered. "Oh… I'm so sorry…Dani... "

I just stood, horrified. Like a cold shower, this completely put out my anger. She sobbed and gulped for air, and I felt strangely numb. Feeling like I should do something. Suddenly realizing what I was planning to do just a second before.

"I'm so sorry Dani…" Mac continued. "I didn't mean to do this to you. I shouldn't have looked for you that night."

 _Oh no, she wasn't._ I did not go there for apologies and peace.

"I was so angry and confused!" she went on shakily. "I still _am_. There is so much anger in me. I'm afraid what I'm letting it do to me… You … you…"

She whirled to me and I tensed, not knowing what to expect, but preparing for the worst.

"Why it had to be _you_?! Of all the people..." she broke off for a bit and continued in whisper. "I _can't_ hate you. I knew it back then. I know it now."

She chuckled a little, but the sound came off dead, dark.

"I'm even grateful for Jada, you know… Because of her, I can now make this loophole in my head. And not have to blame you for killing my sister."

Inhaling sharply, she rushed towards me and held my shoulders.

"My _sister_ … I barely even have time to think of her anymore. And I came here _for her_! …So much has happened. And is happening… _Dani_ , please come back. I _need_ you!"

Her half-gone face, squirmed in a terrifying grimace, mixed with mud and despair, was so close to mine.

"I think I can't win this, Dani. I think I'm losing it…"

 _Oh, yes she was._ She felt completely off-balanced, almost crazy. My chest ache at that moment was impossible to ignore. I wanted to hug Mac close and hard and tell her she's not alone. I didn't want her to have to go down that dark road of self-loathing and pain, where the only thing left for you to do is completely abandon who you are and metamorphose into something much stronger, yet unrecognizable …and terrifying. I wanted to hug her and cry in her arms, and beg her for forgiveness, until she didn't need to create loopholes to give it to me. I wanted to tell her that Jada isn't a loophole, as she's also not to blame. That she was just a little girl, like me, only stronger, harsher. What I needed to become in order to cope with the things I've done.

I stepped back then.

This was _not_ what I needed right now. This was _not_ what I came for. If I stayed then, in that room, Jada would have never reemerged in my life. Had I stayed – I was on my own. With all my wounds exposed for everyone to poke in. I pushed up my walls, brick by brick, shielding my mind away from crying Mac. Backing away, before it's too late…

"Dani?"

I focused back to Mac to see why her voice changed. She was staring at me I think, even though I couldn't exactly tell. With stretched fingers she traced my cheeks, before I got to move away. I froze then, as the moment she touched them, I could feel the tears sliding down my face. _No, no, no_! I pulled back, and back, and back, physically and mentally. And even though I freeze-framed faster than the light, I still couldn't help but see whatever remained of Mac – big wide holes in place of fully invisible eyes, but still the small transparent lines underneath indicated where she cried, mouth parted in shock, hands frozen mid-air as if she still was touching me. I turned my back to her quickly and blasted through the entrance, as she cried after me once again _Dani_. And that's when all went dark.


	4. Chapter 4

**Jada**

My eyelids feel heavy as I finally push them open. The dim light abruptly flows through my pupils, constricting them painfully. My wrists are soaring from the cold cuffs, but it's my brain that actually hurts from the memory. Suddenly I feel exhausted and I don't want to do this. It's been too emotional the last few days and I regret not keeping away from humanity for a while. In Faery it was different. Though deadly and sure enough risky at each step, I felt like I got the right equipment. Dublin is… hard. Harder than I expected.

I sigh for like the fifth fecking time in the last half an hour and try то ease down the emotions. I need to find my balance. _Fast_. Flashbacks of the muddy, sliding face of crying Mac… the voice of Christian… the warmth of Dancer's embrace… they all whirl in my mind like snapshots of another life. And Ryodan… I shut my eyes…close and electric… doing those things he did. And I feel my face getting hot again. And all I want is to squeeze my eyes and shake my head until every single detail of that meeting is gone. I frown and push my mind further, looking for loopholes and ways to secure away the disturbing images. After few moments of concentration, I realize there is no point. For what is worth, I even think that fecker Ryodan managed to flash me a mocking smile from the inside of my head. Feck. I must be blocking it. Meeting Mac had exactly the opposite effect to what I was hoping for, and instead of welcoming fully re-emerged Jada, I, for the first time in years, was actually horrified by her. By how far she was willing to go in order to exist. Then again. It was me who was willing to push it as far in order to make sure she doesn't leave me. Talk about hypocrisy and neediness. I sigh once again, beginning to irritate myself.

"One could say you are actually uncomfortable…"

My heart sinks grimly, as I stiffen and open my eyes again. The voice snakes out from the darkest corner of my already under-lit dungeon and coiled around me, undoubtedly triumphing over the slight flinch of my body at its sound. I focus hard on taking control over my traitorous heartbeat. _That fecker._ How the hell did he get to me?! I don't remember seeing him... was he at Mac's? I don't remember much after storming out of there.… I shake head. _Irrelevant_. Question is how to get out of here. Fast. There isn't a single bone in my body that wants to be in the same room with this dude, especially after our last meeting. Especially like this. Crossed like a skinned rabbit on the wall… minus the skinning. Yet.

Locking eyes with the man in front of me, I give the chains a strong jerk both to test them and make my point.

"We've tried this already. It's inefficient."

"Ah," his face emerges fully from the shadows now, cold and smooth, completely expressionless. The only thing I see flashing on it is my death, with big shiny letters. "As far as I remember, last time worked just fine for me, didn't it."

Oh, I was wrong. So wrong. _This_ is the person who could bring out Jada like no one else.

"If you think of bringing Jo in here..." I grit my teeth, "it would be equally inefficient. I cannot care less of what you do to her."

He keeps watching me as he approaches and I see the corners of his mouth twitch shortly. The hinted smirk is inspiring. There are at least ten different ways of killing him I can think of right away, and some of them can even crossover. My imagination wants to feast on that thought, but is effectively blanked at his next words.

"Or rather _with_ her…"

I swallow down hard the steam that threatens to blow through my ears and tighten my lips, keeping my face impervious.

He laughs then, and I just glare stupefied, as he's right in front of me not killing me, but actually talking and _laughing,_ andso much like the image of him in my head _._

"Ah," he seems humored. "Would you really kill your sister…"

"Traitors can _not_ be sisters."

"…for jealousy?"

 _Dude._ I stare him down reproachfully.

"Jealousy implies emotion. I'm freed of that."

Ryodan leans a shoulder on the wall – arms crossed, head tilted, looking at me silent for a moment.

"You think you are free."

I jerk the chains again in a wordless reply. I _hate_ this.

"Your anger cages you far more than these chains will ever do," he narrows his eyes, "…so does your fear."

My ears pull backwards as I naked my teeth at him.

"Talking to chained people of fear only implies fear within. Fear of what happens when those chains are gone. One might think our last meeting affected you deeper than you'd expect..."

He's suddenly next to me, hand deep in my hair, pulling it backwards. Painfully. Slowly. My temples pulsate.

"Now, I would be very careful in reminding me of that little incident, if I were you…" he mutters quietly, and I see his gaze passing shortly over my lips.

"Little incident," my head is bent, so I watch him through eyelids. "'Perfect timing' would be more accurate, don't you agr…"

His other hand lays on my throat and the squeeze, though barely perceivable, is undeniably present.

" _Very_ careful…"

This is useless. The chains won't give in, no matter what I try. He's got me good and there really seems to be no direct way out of it. I could decide to humor him, pretend to give him what he wants, until he decides he's won and it's safe to free me. I could. I would. Long time ago. When I was someone else. The _me_ that is now, wants nothing less but to push him. As far as possible. And let his anger humor _me_ to the point an opportunity shows and I get to dig me fingers deep in his chest. I wet my lips.

"You know what the best part is?" I wheeze a little as his fingers increase the pressure at my throat, "Killing you is so priceless, that I'm actually happy you come back, as I get the chance to do it again. And again. Until you get bored of ever coming back…"

The hint of smirk melts instantly and his expression goes grim. He narrows his eyes and tightens mouth. I stare at it for a brief second. The grip of his fingers becomes harder and harder to ignore.

"Un-fucking-believable," he scowls. "You kill me and this is what you choose to say?"

He pauses and there is a deep guttural rumble within his chest, before he continues.

"No one has _ever_ lived after pulling such a stunt... I let you twice now."

The scarce supplement of oxygen begins to darken the vision at the corners of my eyes. I bare my teeth. His voice snakes heavily around me.

"I really… _really_ hate doing this."

He means it.

"Even for you…"

I flinch and try to refocus on him.

"Thread lightly…" he whispers and there is something in his voice I cannot quite name, "…my Dani."

 _Is he kidding me?_ My vision snaps back. As Ryodan's cold eyes hold mine, I push an animal sound out, barely shaping it into a single word. It reaps my chest, but the pain I feel has nothing to do with my burning lungs.

" _Jada!_ "

His eyes shimmer momentarily. Snarling he pulls me closer to his face. Our noses touch. I stare silently at his eyes, watching them go dark. Fill with…blood? My own blood splashes inside my skull and I hear it in rhythmic waves as my heart beats.

"Now, _that_ I would _definitely_ avoid saying, if I were you," his mouth is twisted angrily, sharp fangs flashing underneath his lips.

"Threatening while chains…"

"How long do you think I'll let you pretend, _Dani_?" he cuts me off rough.

My jaw tightens. I stare coolly at his flickering eyes. They push at me, trying to go beyond my walls, reach thoughts he knows are there… I've mastered my masks years ago.

He leans forward slowly, closing the distance between us. My gaze slides over his mouth quickly, remembering our last meeting. He slides gently over my cheek, stopping at my ear and whispers harshly:

"Stop hiding… little girl."

I exhale as my eyes close slowly. There is something in those words that even mockery failed to hide. Warmth pours through my body and, like in a spell, my muscles relax and I lean into him. I can't think like that… not with him… like this. His lips pass over my ear and lower towards my neck. I shiver, as he sucks in a little skin and touches it with his tongue. His next words come so unexpected I'm almost sure they are part of my imagination.

"Come back to me, Dani."

The whisper floats quietly around us and sinks slowly into the silence, surrounding heavily. The hot burn of his breath on my skin is the only proof of their existence. I remain silent wishing he kisses me now. I wish he kisses me and I don't have to think about anything ever again. I wish I was not chained, so I can squeeze his face with my palms and kiss him deep and… hard… and… Something noes at the back of my head annoyingly. Ruining this. I … I need this. Him. But I also… _Gah_! I shake my head. I need him… _off me_! _Now!_

"The chains are for your own good," his voice snaps me out of it and I open eyes again. Ryodan has stepped back, watching me intently. "Free yourself from that anger, and we might get you out of them too. But you are not leaving this place as anyone but Dani. Got it, _Dani_."

I stare at him with wicked eyes, words gone. He looks back at me. Cold. Detached. _Have I imagined this?_ I want to scream. I want to smack his frozen face and break this empty gaze that fits nowhere with the words that came out of his mouth seconds ago. I swallow hard and try to cool as fast as him. The fuel from my anger makes it impossible, as the more I try the angrier I get. _Gah! Who I am?!_ I'm perfect and cool. And deadly. So deadly.

"Should your Dani ever decide to peek out," I hiss disgusted by the small tremble in my voice, "I'll kill her myself. There is no place for her in my world."

His face grimaces as if he's just tried the most revolting taste in the world, and I almost expect him to spit, before he speaks again.

"I dictate the world. And there is no place in it for anyone, but Dani." There is absolutely no emotion in his face, mirroring mine in perfect symmetry. "The sooner you accept this, the faster you'll be free... But you can't keep hiding. Fear is not shameful, until you let it devour your entire essence."

I grit my teeth. _Free._ This dude will _never_ let me be free. It's all I've ever wanted. It's all he's never offered. And it is the ways he used to cage me down and bind me to his will that devoured my essence. I was not letting him do that again. I was never letting him do it again.

"I'm afraid of absolutely nothing, Ryodan. And you have nothing on me this time." My hands are fists and the chains chime frostily. " _This time_ it's D. For Disappointment…for _you_."

I almost spit, as he turns his back on me and leaves the dungeon.

 **Ryodan**

She's the most fucking stubborn person I've ever known. And I fucking know Barrons. Her body has long given up, but her damned stubbornness does not let her shut down. She hangs there five days already, like a puppet on strings… like puppet on _chains_. Time to time I send Lor or Fade to check on her, see if she finally had the good grace of shutting down. But every time someone approaches the fucking dungeon, this suicidal fire-head of hers snaps up in the air and she sniffs around like a goddamned bloody hound. Her instincts are perfect. They are as deeply rooted as they can be. To the point of no control, no say onto whether she wants to be on alert or not. This is who she is now. Who she had become. Who she _had_ _to_ become.

I open my fist and look at the powdered ball-pen. Third for today. Fucking pens. You'd think a metal one would last longer. But they powder just as easily as the plastic. I stare at my fingers for a while. They are covered with ink. Everything breaks in them. My mouth tightens, as I move my gaze to the monitor at my left. Well, _almost_ everything. Fucking stubborn bloody girl. I trace the delicate curves of her hung body, the fiery fall of her hair. Her wrists are swollen and the skin is torn to such extend that the metal cuffs are now covered with a thick dark-maroon layer of dried blood. _Her_ blood. The other day she went fully mental, started pulling and kicking like a wild animal, face crooked in a maddened grimace. She was pure savagery. She might not have a beast inside her, but she is an animal on her own. And just like one, when trapped and pushed to the wall, she is ferocious. I watch her. Extraordinary human… no, not a goddamned human. A fucking superhero.

I wipe my hand, still studying her. She almost tore her fucking wrists trying to get the chains down. I barely kept Lor from storming in there. He thinks I don't know what I'm doing with her. I fucking well know what exactly I need to be doing with her. And _how_.

I narrow my eyes, looking for signs of life in the sagging figure on the screen. Stupid, self-destructive girl. Had I not been tailing her like a dog for the last few days, I would have never known she went to Mac that night. And I'm not certain it would have gone by without any death have I not been there. Barrons was planning to kill her. He was there too. Concealing himself, keeping an eye on Mac. Ever since that bloody idiotic creature dug a knife in my chest, he's been insisting on chaining her down and knocking her back to her senses. He insisted she was too dangerous to be left alone. And I knew he was right. With the only difference of her being danger to herself. As always. Self-destructive. Fearless. However, that night we both thought for a second there she was actually going for Mac. I saw him then, and the fucker was ready to kill her. No question. Had I not held him back, his blow would have torn her fucking head off, instead of knocking her out. But I was there. And I did stop him. And had my attention not been fully on her lifeless body in his legs, I probably would have torn his heart out. And he knew it. I fist my hands. Thank the fucking heavens, the other bloody idiot, Mac, had come out running, pushing Barrons, screaming that this _is_ Dani and she's been hiding behind Jada façade all this time. For fucking once this brainless woman did something right towards the girl in my dungeon. A war with Barrons would have been too eternal. I have no time for this. No interest in it whatsoever either. I want one thing and one alone. For days and months and years. Unfortunately, I glance back at the monitor, that _thing_ is the most obstinate ass in this world.

My jaw muscles tense. So does my dick. Ever since that office meeting I haven't sat properly for days. Her gaze. _Fuck_. The thought it was her all along drives me bugfuck… I stand up abruptly, shut down the monitor and stalk off the office.

She's completely motionless. Finally, for fuck's sake. Her body hangs same as few hours ago, chin at the chest, legs bent in the knees, wrists swollen in the chains. Fucking idiot. In a blink of a moment I'm at her side, gently wrapping a hand at her waist. She hangs as I hold her and yet I barely feel her weight.

"Dani…" I frown quickly at the husky sound and, tightening jaws, try once more. "…Dani."

Her head rolls lifelessly on my chest. I slide fingers in her hair and carefully lift her face. Listen hard. The faint sound of blood flow and the warmth of her breathing is all I need to know. Her eyelids lay heavily down, throwing dark circles under her eyes. Her face is pale, tense and exhausted with fatigue.

"You fucking stubborn idiot." I feel anger and annoyance spilling through my veins.

She remains unresponsive while I stare in her features, searching for a betrayal of conscious. Her cheek is still cupped in my palm, no muscle moving. She's deeply unconscious. Still I know better than to trust as easily, especially when it comes to her. Leaning cautiously forward, I press lips to her ear and whisper a sleeping spell. The corners of my mouth lift up slowly. Even now, as her body and mind are fully drained, she's still got her fences up on a sub-conscious level. I push with ease past the symbolic resistance.

"You'll fight later, Dani."

Making sure she's stably out, I unchain her hastily and carry her out of this damned dungeon. I still don't plan to let her go without admitting to everything I wanted her to. And even then, I wasn't planning of letting her go. The plan was to make her agree on it willingly. Still, should the plan fail… because one could never be too sure with her… there was no fucking way I was letting her take a single step away from me. Ever. No fucking way. After letting her get lost for five fucking years, she was not going anywhere anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**Dani**

I lie in a warm bed under sweet-smelling blankets. The pillow hugs my head softly and I feel wonderful. I have no idea where I am and why. Feck. I'm not even sure I know _who_ I am. All I know is I'm a cluster of senses and they all scream _happiness_ right now. I roll slowly on my back and stretch my legs and arms. My muscles literally smile at me and I feel strength rushing into them. My lips pour into a wicked grin. Dude! This is awesome. The last time I've woken this great was… _Oh._ My conscious slides back to me, erasing the satisfaction clean. _Five years ago._ My eyes open unwillingly and I glare at the ceiling through eyelashes. _Probably in the same room._ _After that night at the church, when I almost died. When,_ I frown, _that fecker Ryodan started doing the dirty with Jo._ Gah!Five years ago. Why does it feel five days ago? My stomach sinks. Was it all a dream? Could it be… dude! My eyes open fully and I finally start seeing my surroundings. This isn't the same room, but so what. Ryodan has a whole palace under Dublin. I kick the covers away, heart racing. In one smooth push I'm up and sliding feet on the floor. Only then I realize what I'm wearing and my heart slows dully. _What the…?_ I'm in my favorite ducky PJs. But it's somehow …wrong. It's smaller than I remember and hugs way tighter at places where there was nothing to hug around before. Before… as in five years ago _. Yeah_. Dullness spreads through my body slowly. _Small mistake. No shame_.I let it slip in my ignore box and focus attention to the actual reality. Frowning I examine my hands. No scratches or wounds. All smooth and clean. Why did he need to clean me? He thinks what – I'm actually gonna start thanking him now? And what is with this PJs. Is he really so stupid to think it's gonna do something?

My gaze unfocuses and I listen. Not to the surroundings. But to myself. Something's wrong. I'm wrong. I feel… different. Though I recognize the one I feel like – _me_. But how is this possible… I walk away from the bed and start pacing around the room hastily. What is this? My hands run through my hair, my body. I'm grown. No hint of a fourteen year old whatsoever. Why then I can't consciously recognize the past five years. I know what happened. But it's like I've only been watching all along. I narrow my eyes. Feel like I just finished watching a very, _very_ long movie. My eyes get wild. _What the feck did he do to me?_

Suddenly my ears twitch and I freeze mid-step. Someone's coming. Don't even need to guess who.

I look franticly around searching for something. Anything I could use for attack or defense. Feck! Even for the run. I'm not above all methods right now. The sound of steps is approaching slowly and for a sec there I even considered the blankets on the bed. The thought is so ridiculous – I feel avalanching laughter threatening to erupt from my chest. _Mega._ _Butt up in the air, hiding under the blankets._ I sneaker. _Gah!_ I shake head. This is not the time. Just before the door opens, I push up the frostiest expression I can manage in this situation and cross arms aggressively.

He walks in slowly and his gaze finds me instantly. We stare at each other silently, as he enters. My eyes slide over his body quickly. He's in a black t-shirt and free pants. It contrasts with his usual strict urban looks, and the hinted intimacy unnerves me. His eyes throw the usual cool detachment, but there is something more in them. They spark with warning and danger, but also with poorly concealed… anticipation? As if he knows that whatever he did to me actually worked, and now he couldn't wait to see what I do with it. The challenge is undeniable. _Dude_! I wish I had that knife again, just so to erase that smugness from him. But there is no knife. And even if there was – I'm not sure I could actually go through with it. Because he looks at me and all I can do is look back and remember every single fecking intimacy between us. And I'm not talking about that office meeting I'm _not_ thinking about. No. Now that Jada and I had finally fully recognized each other – I realize I have memories of this man way back in my early childhood, during a time I didn't even suspect he knew about my existence. Every fecking time he had rescued me from some shit, bringing me – Dani, back. Pushing Jada deeply away. No wonder she hated him so much. Or so she thought. Now I understand that, just like me, she was far from hating the man in front.

"Dani." The slow non-question breaks the spell of the silence.

My stomach sinks and my heart starts pumping blood faster. I know what my body wants. I know _he_ also knows what my body wants. A shiver I can barely conceive runs down my spine and lifts the fine hair at my nape. Panic and excitement take over me and I squeeze my fingers into fists, fighting for control. _Shit_! I really need to get out of here. _Where the feck did these… feelings…come from_? I look at his face and can't have enough. As if I've fecking missed him. And now, seeing him right in front of me, all my treacherous body wants is to throw myself at him and roll along the floor like we did only few days ago. I still cannot believe I actually did that.

I bristle silently. _Dude, what the feck?!_ I can't stay here! Any second now he's gonna peal me up and make every sacred thought of mine his. _Feck that noise_! I clench teeth and shift gears up. Charging straight at him, I try to run him over and aim straight for the door. As we clash, his hands lock on me and caught in the momentum of the move, we turn in circles until my back is plastered at the door and I am squeezed between it and his massive body.

"Not the time for games Dani," his voice is strange. Makes the feel of his hands even more unnerving. "Are you back."

I stare at him blankly, teeth clenched.

His fingers lift and trace down my cheekbone, gently settling at my neck. Leaning forehead to mine, he repeats: "Are you back?"

Actual question. His breathing is slow, almost held back. I can feel it warming my cheeks and lips. My heart sinks quietly, as I realize Ryodan is about to kiss me. I stop breathing and squeeze my eyes. Few heart beats, and his breath burns my neck. I let out air in disappointment… or in pleasure?… as at that very moment his lips cover my skin and suck in the place just above my artery. I explode. My hand slides in his dark hair, the other grabbing his shoulder. I arch like a bow and press myself closer to him. His fingers dig in my back and mouth opens wider. Suddenly I feel fangs and my eyes open instantly.

"Dude! Don't you fecking dare!" I growl.

Ryodan freezes for a second, fangs grazing my skin. Judging by the slight sting, I know he drew my blood _again_. Then he throws his head back and explodes in laughter. My whole body begins to tremble and my teeth clatter louder than my heart. I tense, hands in fists, aiming straight for that mocking face. _He laughs at me!_ I hate _this_!

"Let go of me you stupid fecking stupid fecker!"

Big warm palms catch my fists and we twist in silent combat. He trips me and layers us on the floor. I hiss and kick and punch. And completely unperturbed, he towers over me, pushing my chin up with nose and gently sucking the place, where I know my blood shimmers from his fangs. Than his gaze lifts to mine and I draw a sharp breath, as I swear his eyes are full-red.

"Ahh, Dani. Do you really think I'll let you out of here smelling this way…" he makes a guttural sound and takes in a deep sniff at my neck.

I shake with anger, as he mounts my hands on both sides and searches my eyes.

"How do you feel, _Dani,_ " he purrs in the strangest voice, lips playing at the tip of my ear. "Do you _feel,_ Dani."

Our bodies press closer and I explode with need. I hate him! I don't want this like that! I …don't want to hate him? I snarl.

"Stop fucking hiding!" he almost snarls back. His face tenses for a second, then cools down again. "I don't care what or who you choose to be. Just fucking admit what you need."

I clench teeth and scrape a single word from the back of my dry throat.

"Freedom." I _do_ want to be free! I don't ever want to be _this_ with him. To _feel_ him. To _need_ to feel him.

He watches me, jaws rippling.

"I am going to give you what you need. Until you are free of it. Until you get your fucking freedom." He looks feral when he adds, "Can't promise you'll still want it after, though."

Then he pushes himself up and pulls me towards him, yanking the top of my PJs over my head. The cool air touches my shoulders and I see him staring at my bra tensely. Then his eyes are on mine again and I feel his fingers at the knot holding my bottom. I grab his wrists.

"Ryodan." My heart slams in my chest and my fingers are white with tension. Every cell in my body shakes feverishly at the thought of him touching me. There is no way I'm letting him strip me and see how my body responds to his.

He watches me, like _really_ watches me. After few heart beats I see his eyes going brighter, then he leans in slowly and, sliding fingers in my hair, pulls my face closer and covers my lips in a soft kiss. My stomach sinks so abruptly I almost feel the pull towards the ground. The slight kiss is over before I even wrap my mind around it, and next thing I find myself pushed on my back to the floor. He smiles faintly at me and murmurs: " _Lie still_."

Then his hands are on that knot again and I instantly stretch to hold down his hands again. At least I try. _My body does not respond_. I freeze. Or rather remain frozen. _He didn't._ I'm pacing. He _couldn't_! I've learned voice years ago! I fire electric impulses at my arm muscles again, commanding them to move. _Nothing_.

" _R-ryodan_?" I cannot conceal the tremble in my voice. What the _feck_ did he do to me! I'm horrified.

"Stop fear the feelings, Dani." The knot is gone and he leans above me. " _Let your body do what it wants._ "

"Ryodan!"

I cannot believe he's doing this! My legs give in and help him pull off my bottom PJs, together with the socks. He traces my legs with the tip of his fingers gently, and for a second I see doubt crossing his face. I want to use it and talk him out of whatever he's planning. But as if sensing, he quickly shakes it off and, placing palms on either side, pushes my knees apart. My face burns because of the impossible position he has me in, having access to every single part of my body. And then to make it worse, he lifts his gaze at me and throws me an infuriating smirk. _Fecker!_ I'm boiling. When I think I cannot stand this any longer, his words penetrate through the steaming rage of my blood.

" _This_ time I'll only give you what you need and take no more. This time _only_."

Then I choke and even if I had something to say – it's all dissolved in the heavy air around us and matters no more, as he leans forwards and noses slowly the small nub under my panties. _A-aaah…?_ My reaction is so instant and uncontrollable, it scares me – with head snapped back and neck arching upwards, my palms clamp on the floor and hips twitch towards him. He … _sniffs in…_ and lets the most feral sound I've ever heard anyone make.

"Aghhhhh, yes, Dani. This _is_ the right respond. Let's see how you take this…"

I feel his fingers at the same spot, as they gently press down and start rubbing in small circles above it. My eyes squeeze and I swallow down a moan. My whole body runs with electrifying waves of tremble. _How can you go through this without losing it?_ I can't think… I … I get more and more feverish, sweat wetting my face and hair, and I pace.

"Ryod-dan… ddon't…"

I bite my tongue, trying to retain some control. He's looking funny at me again and slides fingers under my panties. _H-hate him!_

"No, little girl, you don't hate me," there is smile in his voice. "And there will be no space for control. Not a fucking chance."

He pulls the panties down and I hiss helplessly, as I cannot bear the thought of him seeing me. _All_ of me.

" _All_ of you, my Dani." He doesn't spare me the words. Then he sucks in sharp breath and runs his gaze over that burning spot, which I'm sure he can see screaming for release. " _Dani._ You are so little indeed."

I flame up. _What the feck is that supposed to mean_?

Then my brain turns into a mush and switches off. His mouth covers my flesh and, pressing with tongue, starts sliding to the sides. _Aaaaghhh!_ All my nerves knot into one and tighten my body almost painfully. I feel liquid heat, pouring through me, concentrating at the spot between his lips. I begin to whimper and whine. My head rolls to the sides in final attempts of stopping all this, not letting it go any further before it's too late. But we are long past the crossing point. We are in a different country, different planet. Life as I know it, had never actually begun until this very moment, where we both come to exist. This strange, ludicrous thoughts fly quickly through my mind, and melt away as quickly, and the feeling from under his mouth starts detonating me, cell by cell. And I begin to shake uncontrollably. And I begin to both cry and laugh at the same time, mouth parted, eyes wicked, shimmering. I begin to vibrate. In every single cell. My flesh throbs quick and numb and I hear myself scream. His tongue is already openly licking me, like a hungry animal. It's wide and long and can cover all of me. The moment I think that, he stretches it and rolls across my whole length, spreading my wetness in big rotating circles. I sob. My palms and feet both freeze and melt at the same time, cold sweat passing through them. The fever is so powerful I almost shut down, and let myself at his mercy. Which he doesn't have… or he does?... because he continues licking with an escalating speed. Almost with rage. As if he punishes me. Or subdues me? And then I burst into tiny molecules, and an orgasm tears through me insanely, burning everything that's left of me. The knot of nerves at the bottom of my belly unties, melting away, and the heated pleasure pouring through me is so strong, I scream almost in pain. After a second I deflate, like a popped balloon. I just leak back on the floor – head swiveled to the side, palms on both sides, needles running through them from the uneven supply of oxygen, spots flashing dully at my sight. My breathing rolls out deeply and in cuts, as my throat is all dry. An unexplainable dull ache nests in my chest. Slowly, I try to calm myself and exhale carefully. My body shakes in a final weakened convulsion. I try to stretch my fingers and wipe away the treacherous wetness in my eyes – I have no idea how I am to look at Ryodan now, but the feck with it, if I let him see my tears. What _is_ he doing now? Is he like _watching_ me? With the same smug, pleased expression…

" _Aiyeee-ghhhh!_ "

His tongue rolls back to my burning flesh and begins rubbing it again with slow, killing pace. I fall into convulsing tremble again and my stomach muscles harden in a constant contraction, as he continues to slide just as slow over my clit, pressing it down, sliding it from side to side. I sob helplessly, absolutely incapable of anything else. My flesh is too sensitive and the nerve endings are skewing in an agonizing torture, because this is too much and I cannot take anymore of it. Suddenly his mouth pulls away and I roar, wild and murderous. I will kill him for that! How could he! I cannot understand the why of it, but I begin to cry like a pathetic, useless… _Gah_! I h-hate myself …

"You are mine, Dani. Do you get that?" he says that so gently, my tears burn even stronger.

Then he places as gently two fingers at the tip of my electrified nub and begins to vibrate lightly, barely touching the skin. I lose my breath, snake up, lifting hips in a wordless plead and start shaking without any reservation, teeth biting hard on my lips. Just before tension peaks and fills me up with that melting pleasure again, I throw my head back and let out a wild cry of release.

My body collapses back to the floor powerless and the little air in my lungs hisses out at the collision. Lying like this, I try to collect my thoughts, move or even say something, but I realize this is absolutely out of my abilities right now. What _was_ that? Mind-blowing. Destructive. How come I have never known one can feel something so strongly? My body is lifeless, but at the same time overflowing with unrecognizable strength. It's triumphing and hissing with power, as if it went through a fecking electrical field and charged up to the point of an overload.

Fingers touch my cheek and make me jerk. A cluster of panic sits in my throat and I barely swallow it. I open my eyes and my belly tenses almost painfully, as Ryodan is towering me, tracing my wet cheekbones and watching me in a way that makes me hold my breath and not move a single muscle. His eyes are throwing light I've never seen before, saying tons of things, none of which I'm willing to acknowledge. An unexpected warmth flows through me and I suddenly want to kiss him. I cannot believe my own fingers lifting towards him, touching lightly his lips. He keeps watching me and I see tension crossing his face, as if in doubt. I almost hear him think, calculate… _he doesn't want to kiss me_ , it dawns on me. He did what he wanted – made me show him my emotions and weakness. Confirming I _am_ Dani. And now that he's got all his aces back, he just wants me at his service, bringing things like they used to be. I feel stupid and remove my fingers quickly.

"Dude. Get off me." I hate the pain in my voice.

His jaw muscles ripple. I _cannot_ remain like this! Under him. After what just happened. After what he just did to me. I try to ignore the flashbacks. I fail. My legs pushed to the side... his dark head between them… the sound of his tongue… _Gah!_ I look away. His hands grab my hair and make me face him again. Eyes burning, fangs out, he leans towards me and I open mouth instinctively. His tongue slides from around the fangs and dives deep in, touching mine intimately. I can feel his breathing and it turns me on. I trace gently the tip of his tongue with mine. There is that guttural sound again. We taste each other slowly, almost carefully, then he pushes my mouth wide open and sucks in deeply, leaving me no space to move or breathe. Not that I want to or need to. I feel my hold body burning up again and I burst in a new round of need. My hands grab around his neck and I press myself close to him. He slides his underneath me and digs fingers in my skin. My legs, still spread aside, open further as he lies between them and presses me closer. I feel we have lost control of the situation long ago, and, the _feck_ with control! I want to feel more! I lick him back franticly, trying to make him give me …more. Impatience makes me make small sobbing sounds, thrusting around him, looking for closer contact. Ryodan, in the meantime, keeps holding me to him, diving deeper and deeper in my mouth, ignoring my whimpering need, completely immersed in what he's doing. He keeps tracing my mouth from inside, rhythmically tangling our tongues and breaths. And when my head begins to spin from the lack of oxygen and need, he manacles my body even harder, peals us off the floor and slams us at the wall. I exhale wild in his mouth and squeeze him stronger with my legs. _Yes! Like this! Exactly what I need!_

He lets my mouth free and makes a wild sound.

"Ghhhhhrr… you're learning, my girl. But it's not wise to offer, when not ready for the consequences…"

I catch greedily air and try to answer I am fully ready, but he stops me, as he bends head to the side and pierces my neck with his fangs. I scream. He bit me. Fast and deep. I hurt. His fangs are under my skin, and his tongue strokes the skin between them. The burning pain intermingles with the warm feeling of his tongue and I, despite all the anger and humiliation, cannot push myself to fight back. Instead I go very, very still in his arms. After a few moments, Ryodan flinches in an unperceivable tremble and pulls out his fang with conflicting tenderness. He parts few millimeters away from the bite and I know should I look at him now, he'd smile at me with my blood on his teeth. _The fecking fecker_! His breath burns my skin and the wet spot of the wound chills in contrast. The next moment he leans forward again and traces slowly the wound with his tongue, wiping the blood away. I shudder and he stops. Few heartbeats, and he slides his tongue over the spot again. He repeats the movement again and again, increasing the speed, and when my body starts melting in his hands, he covers my neck with his lips and begins suckling and licking with a single-minded devotion that drives me crazy almost as much as the orgasm itself. I moan hard and loud and feel my vocal cords vibrating under his mouth. Suddenly he growls, pulls his hand from underneath me, sliding it between us, finds my clit and presses it hard and slow. Between his mouth and fingers, I throw my head back and, digging fingers deep in his hair, explode in a powerful orgasm.

My head drops on Ryodan's shoulder and I try to catch breath. I am not sure what to do next, so I just stay like that in his hands. His breathing eventually catches up and becomes calmer. I feel his gaze on me. Pushing. Waiting. I lift eyes and he meets me immediately. The shimmer in his gaze says more than I can ever manage to pronounce. Holding my gaze, he starts to carefully lower me down to the floor. As I step gingerly, his palm slides at my cheek. At this moment all my walls are down. There is no way I can or will manage to build them back up on time. Every sacred thought of mine is his to take right now.

"Dani?" – His finger slides over my lower lip and presses down gently.

The question hangs in the air. There is no way I answer it … in words. My hands snake up and wrap around his neck. Carefully pulling myself towards his lips, I see Ryodan's eyes widening and slight smile lifts the corners of his mouth, just before I cover it with mine. My own lips start curving upwards as I kiss him gently and for a second I'm afraid I'll explode in laughter. Ryodan cups my head and with low growl responds hungrily to the kiss.

A small giggle slips through our lips as we start spinning slowly in circles, holding onto each other, kissing, approaching the bed. I have no intention of sparing a second thought onto where this is going. All I know is that a strange feeling of separation and crazy levels of happiness are overflowing me from inside and I just want to laugh. And I indeed begin to laugh. Happy, life-full laughter, erupting from every corner of my soul. My head tilts backwards and, sensing Ryodan's hands momentary tightening on my back, holding me, I let myself hung back as I laugh. And laugh. Electrifying energy runs through me and for the first time in my life I feel… free. To be me. One hundred percent. Lifting head back, I meet his eyes again and freeze mid-laugh. His face is unrecognizable. Beautiful. Alive. He's laughing too. His eyes are burning. His hands pull me towards him and our bodies press close.

"Ryodan…"

A loud explosion cuts my words and something powerful pushes us apart. Everything happens so fast I barely manage to trace the chain of events. One second Ryodan is eating me with the most endless dreamy gaze, hugging to him, about to do to me things I cannot even name. The next – he's thrown on the floor, face scorching in a terrible grimace, changing in a completely non-human way. Fangs shoot out faster and longer than I've ever seen. In full confusion I recognize the angry hiss at my ear. It's Christian. I don't know the hows and whys of it, but that's irrelevant right now. Ryodan can't die. Christian can. And judging by the savage growl of Ryodan – he is about to die very, very soon. My hand lifts at Christian chest instinctively. This is misunderstanding. No need of pointless death. Whatever human is left in Ryodan's face is gone the instant I do that. With feral roar he explodes at us. Christian's fingers dig deep in my wrist, almost crushing it. _No!_ I want to scream, but have no such chance, as he sifts us away just miliseconds before the beast, that was Ryodan just moment ago, slashes its claws through us.

"Dude, what the feck!" I roar, pushing Christian with both my hands. "Bring me back!"

I'm still naked. I don't care. I shake with anger and shock. What was _that_?! That … _thing_! Ryodan changing into it. Completely maddened. And the look on the beast's face… The moment we re-materialized I pushed Christian and exploded at him.

"Back?!" He is shaking too. "To him?! You want to go to him!"

I snarl at him. I don't want to talk to Christian!

"Yes! Back! Now!" I push him again.

He grabs my shoulders and shakes me. Then pushes me backwards, as if realizing how naked I am.

"Are you crazy? Look what he's done to you! Fuck!"

He grabs my shoulders again. I push him and punch him in the chest.

"You have no place to… Gah! Bring me _back,_ Christian! I'm serious! You have no right…"

" _I_ have no right?!" His eyes are crazy, tattoos and black veins rushing across his skin. He snarls. "And what gives _him_ the right! Don't tell me you are as stupid as to allow him to do that to you…"

"Shut up, Christian! This has nothing to do with you! I swear you'll regret if you don't sift me back at this very…"

"It won't matter if I sift you back or not. I took it from him," he sounds cold and angry. "And you are never going back to this dickhead."

My teeth clatter as I fist hands and hiss: "Took what… _Dude!_ Bring me back. It's my choice!"

He pushes me to the wall and frames me with hands.

"You think so? You really think this was your conscious choice?"

I stare at him.

"What are you talking about… of course I'm sure…"

Golden chain flashes in front of my eyes.

"Then how do you explain this."

The chill in his words penetrates painfully through my numbed mind, as I glare in silence at the amulet of the Unseelie King.

I didn't need to hear his next word, as I've already glued it together.

"I ripped it from his fucking neck…"

There is nothing human in his face now.

"As I will rip his fucking head off."

Staring past the swiveling amulet, capable of deceiving and bending anyone at its will, I meet the full-black gaze of Christian. As my lips tighten and my heart frosts, I nod.


	6. Chapter 6

**Dani**

I stretch my hand and snatch the amulet from Christian. Disgusted, I throw it to the side and the clattering echoes dully in my chest. Suddenly, the whole world seems to have slowed down, and, for the first time in my life, I get the feeling I had finally stopped, and can actually notice the world around. Christian stares at me intensely, but there is no desire in me to look back and see my reflection in him. I know what I look like. And I hate it. The amulet still rolls slowly on the floor. I grit my teeth and the dull ache in my chest increases.

"You reek of him." Christian is still framing me. I can feel his face, close. "Everywhere."

My eyes unwillingly shift to him. His are still black. There is a full Unseelie Prince in front of me, with no trace of humanity left.

"Move away, Christian. I want to dress up." I have no intention of touching him. At this moment I don't want to touch anyone. Maybe never again. Perhaps only Ryodan, at least once more – while pulling his heart out… with fingers. It will be pretty well-deserved.

Christian doesn't move. I hold my gaze on him and try to infuse determination and threat.

"Move it, Christian, I'm serious."

He leans in slowly and presses lips on my ear. Fingers gently tracing my neck.

"How the fuck did you let him do that to you…" His palm slides in my hair and rotates the wound on the neck towards him. "Fuck! Lass, I suggest you clean off yourself well and get that stench away from you, before I do it for you."

His voice is low and gruff. With a violent jerk, he tears himself off me, throws me a chilled look, and, clenching teeth, stalks off the room, slamming the door behind.

The crush of the door vibrates in the silence and resonates deep in me. With weakened heart, I close eyes and rest head on the wall, as my body sinks slowly to the ground. Halfway to the floor I catch myself and try to pour fury and strength in me. _I don't fall. I don't slide down._ Pressing palms at my knees, I dig fingers deep and still myself half-standing. _I don't cry._

Later I leave the shower and wrap a big, fluffy robe around my heated body. I rarely allow myself the pleasure of wasting time in the shower, however this time I needed it. I've spent what it felt like an hour under the burning flow of the water. _Not_ thinking. The emotions were too strong and had I attempt to process any of it right away – well, I'm not sure I want to go there. I needed to cool off before any thoughts on the last few days. People rarely appreciate the mastery of blanked mind. It requires immense discipline to maintain, and when spending good share of the time concentrating on nothing – the mind numbs out and the heart chills.

I carefully unwrap the towel around my head and let the hair fall gently around my shoulders. I stretch hand and wipe the steamed mirror. The face that meets me across is cold, and yet painfully familiar. My eyes slide over the features and greedily take in details. The hair curls softly around my face. It's clean and smooth. The corners of my lips twitch shortly and my gaze remains there, attracted by the move. I miss my bruises.

I am someone I haven't been for a long time. The feeling is… liberating, purifying. All possibilities are in front of me and any choice is possible. There is nothing obligatory or binding in any of the following decisions. In some unexplainable way, the aftermath of everything that had happened boils down to the full reassurance that I am who I am. Always have been and always will be. And I am not sure I would've been capable of accepting this had I not spent the last one hour in full alienation of the reality.

I close my eyes and, now that I can finally trust my mind, I submerge myself carefully in the memories, looking at every single detail slowly. At the same time I remain fully detached, as if I am just a side visitor. The sociopathic presence feels easy and familiar. Strange thing is – it does not leave me cold or indifferent. Actually it makes me smile. I've spent the last few weeks in a fear of losing myself. Losing Jada. Now I realize that the fear was unreasonable. She _is_ me. And I am her. We are two parts of a whole. And even though we've spent years resenting and rejecting each other's weaknesses – now I see we were never truly able to exist in the absence of the other. The only problem was in accepting this other part of me, claiming it as the anti-me. Evil presence. Taking over of what's mine. But I _am_ her. And she – me. And we are one. And only when taken together, I finally can clearly see myself.

My eyes open and the reflection in the mirror beams at me with a radiant smile.

In this perfect moment of emotional detachment, I am fully able of admitting truths to myself, even if I don't like them one bit. _Ryodan did this._ My smile melts down. The honesty of this realization, does nothing for my anger. _Manipulation is his second name. I hate him for that._ From all the ways he could have chosen… Warmth spreads across my face and I stiffly turn back to my reflection, ignoring the light blush on my cheeks.

There is a pile of female clothes, carelessly thrown at the end of the bed, in the room where Christian sifted me. I dig through it and pull practical things, like jeans and t-shirt.

The place looks massive and I have the feeling there must be a whole mansion out here. Quickly, I scan my mind for all the known places like this in and around Dublin, and try to estimate my most-likely location. Wherever it is, I know I'll have to vacate it sooner or later, should I wish to avoid unexpected clashes with my ex-boss. And that's something I definitely wish for. I sneaker. _Dude! I've missed work for years!_

I leave the room and start stalking slowly around the place, looking for Christian. Oh, yes, I was definitely correct – this is some seriously big house. Too big for my taste, truth to be said. Such places are easy and open target. I suspect, Christian had taken precautions and had warded it off from anything that could be a threat. Still I would rather take nothing for granted. So I cover the whole terrain methodically, not missing a single detail, collecting useful information. Indeed, the place is fully protected. Question is though – from whom?

Christian is nowhere to be seen. Three floors of expensive, enormous rooms – and no sign of life what so ever. The silence is deafening. Suddenly my body tenses and my muscles root me at one spot. There is something. I relax my hearing and wait. There it is again. Barely perceivable sound, almost a weak vibration, coming straight from underneath me. My eyes drop and I listen harder. Whatever it is – it is buried deep underground. I suspect the mansion has a basement somewhere. With no intention of giving up the advantage of the element of surprise, I shift gears abruptly and wheeze into freeze-frame.

The entrance to the cellar is hidden behind a heavy bookshelf on the first floor. The light breeze of cool moist from behind the shelf betrayed it. Long, narrow stairs spiral down at least two-three levels below ground and, as I reach the bottom, an unpleasant feeling chills me. The slight sound from before had grown with each step, and now, being on equal levels, I can finally tell what it is. A pitiful female moan slowly rolls in the barely lit corridor, and, with a sour taste in my mouth, I recall the last time I've ended up in Christian's settlement. _Dude! I really need to kick his butt_!

The source of noise comes from the end of the tunnel, possible behind several walls. Sneaking up close to it proved to be more challenging than I've anticipated. Obviously Christian had taken great pains into ensuring little to none access to the woman. Gritting teeth, I go over the last protection spell and plaster myself to a thick stone wall in front of me. A slight crevice in the bricks indicates the presence of a masked stone door. I still for a second in doubt, though I choose to attribute it to self-preservation. I definitely do not want to die today and here, being stupid. The moan rolls sadly again. Miserable and full of yearning. Animal craving. Intimate and private. I still embarrassed in even more doubt. Is Christian here? With this woman? I definitely do not want to walk in on that scenario. I listen again. The whine breaks out again, low, aching. I don't hear anyone else. Christian isn't here. But why the woman is? I look around. Except for the woman behind the wall – there is no one around. Darkness and silence. I cannot go back. There is no way I can leave someone, locked here in this basement.

With a careful push I open the door and step inside.

The room is in an obvious contrast with the rest of the basement. Warm and mildly lit with candles – it's decorated as a bedroom. The floor is layered with a thick, soft carpet and all corners are covered with big, puffy pillows. Straight ahead of me is a massive, king-size bed, surrounded by silky canopy. Behind the curtains I can recognize a small female body, slowly twisting on the sheets. The woman is alone. The heat that throws of her is incredible – I half-expect her to ignite. Is she sick? Why is she _here_?

She lets a small moan out again, and a sickening feeling of unwanted _déjà vu_ overwhelms me.

"Hey? Are you alright?" I ask carefully. _Please don't let it be what I think it is!_

The woman flinches and jerks up like on a string. The next moment the canopy is pulled aside and with a savage yell, a naked girl, not older than me, throws herself at me. The only reason she managed to push me down is the surprise. I immediately roll her away and lock her wrists to the ground, trying to avoid her insane attempts of scratching or biting me.

"Calm down, you crazy? I just wanted to see if you're okay! Stop it, before I hurt ýa!"

The girls hears nothing and continues to twists wildly under me. I try to see if she's hurt or at least what's the reason for her behavior. But besides looking a little too slim and in the middle of a bad fever – overall I find nothing too wrong with her body.

"Stop it!" I yell too and squeeze her wrists stronger.

It startles her for a second and I manage to catch a glimpse of her face, before she begins to swivel head again. The terror in it chills me. _I cannot believe…_

Two strong arms suddenly manacle me and pull me away from the girl. Before I manage to react, I am thrown aside to the floor, few steps away. The moment I stop rolling, I'm back on my feet and jump at Christian, who's bending over the crying girl.

"You sick fecker! Don't you touch her!"

I toss myself on his back and wrap a hand around his neck. The girl lets a pitchy scream out and digs her nails in my forearm. I scream too. Christian curses and pushes me back with a powerful blow. The only reason my skull didn't split in two is because the carpet is like four fingers thick.

"Stay away, lass! You might hurt her!"

" _I_ might hurt her?! You've done it already, you fecking fecker! How could you?!" I'm shaking. _I cannot believe this._

"I've done nothing!" he has to scream over the girl, who now howls deafening, hands wrapped around his neck, slashing with nails the air between them and me.

"You think I'm an idiot, Christian? She's pri-ya!" my throat burns. Rage boils through every pore of my body. I'm gonna kill him! I cannot believe he's done it. "You're just like them! I cannot believe I thought you are normal!"

Christian cups gently the nape of the girl and presses her close to him, turning to face me. My heart slams in my chest franticly, demanding violence. My palms are in fists. The only reason I'm not killing him is the girl plastered to him.

"I'm not like them and never will be." His voice is cold, scary. The girl in his hands suddenly shivers and abruptly stops yelling. "I didn't make her this way. I found her like that."

"So you took her to toy with her?" I cannot stand her fear at his voice. Noone has the right to own anybody. "Dude. You are sick."

His hand strokes tenderly the back of her neck and I feel like puking.

"Stop touching her, you fucker!" I hiss with resentment.

"I can't! She's in constant pain! And to add to that – you scared her. You have no idea what's in her head…" his voice is hoarse and dry. His eyes are empty.

"Oh, and you know..."

"I _feel_ her!" he hisses. "Every bloody need, emotion! The pain and desire are killing her! What do you want me to do? Leave her like this? Or kill her? Tell me what other idea you've got!"

"I…" my teeth clench. The memory of Mac surfaced the moment I saw her face. The primitive lust. Lack of any conscious. The hunger for touch and the constant pain of its lack. Pri-ya. Monstrous thing to be. Death sounds million times sweeter. And still – can I really make such call? Mac made it through. There must be hope for this girl too.

He cradles her gently in his arms and watches me tensely.

"I need to calm her. Then we can talk."

I nod perplexedly and look away. With the periphery of my sight I catch his moves. Christian slides carefully hands across the back of the girl and she shivers. But this is no fear. Her head lifts from his shoulder and with starved look turns towards his. Cupping her cheek with one hand, Christian leans in slowly and covers her lips in a deep kiss. She moans low and presses to him. Her body softens against him and hangs in his hands. He deepens the kiss, and burning heat surfaces on my cheeks. His lips part finally from hers and she immediately makes a sound of protest. But Christian holds her closer and whispers sleeping spells in her ear. Eventually the girl relaxes and hangs fully on his hands.

I lift gaze at them and meet the frozen face of Christian, as he carries her to the bed and tenderly covers her with blankets. I don't miss the slight touch of his thumb on her cheek, nor the small tremble in him.

With bleak expression he heads towards the exit and nods at me to follow, without even looking. I do, quietly. As I step out of the room, I cannot help myself but to look back at the small body in the middle of the bed. Christian closes the stone door right under my nose and stalks off to the upper floors.

We reach the living room in complete silence. The moment he turns to me, I already know that I was wrong to accuse him of being a monster. His eyes meet mine, and my heart flinches. He _thinks_ he's being that monster.

"Christian…"

"Save it, lass," he cuts me. "I am sick bastard and you shouldn't try to make me feel better. In fact…"

His face twists in resenting grimace and his hand lifts my chin up.

"I expected more of you. But clearly I shouldn't have high expectations of a woman ready to let Ryodan use her, like his next pair of socks. At least the girl in my dungeon is pri-ya. You have no excuses."

My lips form tight line and I push his hand with one move.

"The amulet…"

"…does not create feelings out of nothing. Only illusion of reality." His eyes are piercing me. "Everything you felt was real. You have no right to deny it. You want to give yourself to him for breakfast – both then and now."

"No!"

"Lie."

I look away annoyed. _Well, that was straight into the trap._

"Shall we test it, if you don't believe me?" Christian pulls a chain from around his neck and uncovers the amulet.

I narrow my eyes.

"You wear this why."

He looks at me for long moment and finally grits his teeth.

"I'm able to make her sleep with it from time to time."

We look at each other for another long moment.

"Prove it to me."

His nostrils flare.

"What?"

"That the amulet does not create feelings." I don't want to accept this truth.

He cocks his head in that non-human way, like trying to decide what to make of me.

"You want me to use to amulet on you? After what Ryodan did? And after what you've seen in my basement? Ah, lass…"

"Save it, Christian." I don't let him do it. "No need to act all ass-like, just because you feel shit-size guilty. Yes, what you're doing with that girl is absolutely wrong. But it helps her…"

He hisses and manacles my shoulders.

"You think so? How the hell do you think it helps her?! The only thing I do is to postpone the agony for later… How long am I supposed to… Fuck. You have no idea, lass..."

"Of course I do! I've watched Mac with these same eyeballs, as she thrusted and moaned and pleaded for days. And for a moment there I also thought there is no way back from this hell. But Mac made it. So it's possible."

Christian stares me blankly. His grip loosens.

"Mac was pri-ya?" the shock in his voice is unmasked.

"You didn't know?" I retort incredulously. No wonder he feels so guilty and desperate.

"No…" Christian walks away a little and begins pacing in small circle. His eyes are wide. All Unseelie is suddenly gone and there is a hunky, worried, high-lander in front of me. "When did that… how the hell did she recover!"

He turns and pulls me to him again.

"Tell me, lass!"

"Barrons." I mutter, watching his face. "Doing exactly, what you are doing. There is hope, Christian."

He stares at me for a moment and shakes his head. Next rubs his face tired and runs fingers through his hair.

"You want to tell me that the only way is to continue doing what I've been doing so far? For how long? Christ, lass… she wouldn't chose something like that, had she been given the choice."

"All methods – good, Christian. There is no price too high for surviving."

I look at him coolly and suddenly realize that this is exactly what Ryodan had done for me too. And even though I, just like Christian fears, hate him for the way he chose to do it – part of me remains grateful that someone cared enough, to roll up the sleeve and do the dirty work. Christian tries to comprehend my words. The guilt is eating him up and for a moment I cannot help but wonder – did Ryodan felt the same way? I shake head and shrug at the thought. _No way. As if._ That fecker probably doesn't even know how to spell the word. I don't remember him experiencing any conflicts while doing the "dirty work."

"Don't do this, lass." Christian is watching me closely again. "Don't try to excuse him. It's completely different situation. You were entitle of choice. He just chose to make it for you."

But I didn't _know_ about the choice. Isn't it really very similar situation? Ryodan couldn't have possibly tell me what tricks he's using to make me re-surface again, simply because that _was_ the trick. I frown. I _don't_ want to defend him.

"Ouch, lass…"

Christian traces me with his warm gaze and touches lightly my face.

"Don't tell me you have feelings for him…"

"I don't!" I bite my tongue, but it's too late. _No, don't tell me._

Christian tightens his lips and I see something shimmering in his eyes.

""Fix your face, Christian! I don't need no petty pity! You have no idea what I've been through the last five years…"

"Aye, lass. I don't. But I do know one thing. The last two month, _I_ 've been gutted monotonously for hours and days, bleeding to loss of consciousness, waking up from needles piercing my gut… Judging by what I've endured – I must be completely mad by now. However I managed to retain enough of myself to come back."

I stay quiet. This _also_ is my fault.

Christian slides fingers in my hair and looks into my eyes with his golden gaze.

"Do you know how I managed?"

I slice head to the side barely.

"You, lass. You anchored me to sanity. The thought of something bright and alive. The need to survive, the _hope_ to survive, so you could take in some more of that golden fire of life. The thirst for one more sip of this pure energy. You, lass, were all this for me."

I stare at him, still.

"Christian, I…"

He laughs and let goes of me.

"Naw, lass. I don't expect you to answer me with something like that. There was time – when I did. But now I see, that all this has completely different meaning to me too. What you make me feel is so dear and precious, precisely because it's a part of me too. Part I thought I have lost forever. All this maddened thirst for life in you, used to run in my veins too. For a time I've lost it, lass. I thought I'd never be the one who I so deeply longed to become again. But you reminded me how to be that person and how not to lose it again."

He's few steps away from me, the sunlight falls softly on his face. The warmth reflected on him is mesmerizing.

"Tell me, lass. These five years – did you have anyone like that in your mind or heart? Someone who kept you going. Someone who made you survive, even when you didn't want to."

I look at him, careful not to move, drinking in his expression, his words. My thoughts have already raced away from me, in inhuman lands, filled with alien creatures. _Yes._ I had such a person. And even though he's neither light nor pure – the need of seeing him again (even if for the sake of revenge) was all I had left. It was in the decision to stand up and go on, every time I was push on my knees, bleeding and feeling more alone than ever. It was the only reason I managed to come back. And now – he was also the reason I managed to find way back to myself as well.

"How the hell did you find me and get me out of there, Christian?" I change topic abruptly.

Christian smiles lightly and nods unperceptively. The atmospheres suddenly lightens and we go back to safe ground.

"Your … friend helped me."

"Dancer?"

"Aye. He know where you were and had a plan how to get you out of there. At first I didn't want to hear it, but the kid is bloody persistent."

I bite my cheeks and sneaker. That's Dancer. Always the shit.

"I'd watch out with him, lass." Christian looks suddenly confused. "He… knows too much for just a human."

"Duh! That's because he's not a human!" I beam. "He's a genius."

"No one is so genius…"

"Dancer is."

"… without some serious-ass powerful source of information."

I give him a look.

"Yeah, it's his brain."

Christian gives me the look back.

"If he has a brain…"

I shake head. Everyone is hostile to the unknown. When will they learn?

"So Dancer told you where I am? Where is he now?"

I look around, as if he'd be here.

Christian shrugs.

"No idea. I haven't told him where I'm taking 'ya, just in case if dickhead catches him."

I go still and chilling frost freezes my bone marrow.

"W-what do you mean – if Ryodan catches him? …what does he have to do with Dancer?"

Christian runs eyes over my face and pauses for a second.

"He was with me, Dani…"

I begin to shake my head.

"…when I sifted you out. He was the one who got us in and blew up the distraction bombs."

 _Shit-shit-shit._

Meaning Ryodan caught him. I dry-swallow. Or rather – the beast that Ryodan turned into moments before Christian snatched my naked ass away from his hands. _Shit!_


	7. Chapter 7

Have you ever felt responsible for something that goes completely wrong? Straight to hell. No diversions. Something that you and you alone in the whole world can fix. Something that's been destined for you. But time flies past you, laughing at the fact that for once in your minuscule existence the world actually, truly needs you. And while you rush with all might towards the culmination of your whole essential being – time, in that detached objectivity, beats you to it and ruins it to ashes right under your nose. Dude! How sweet it would be to grab time by the collar and punch its teeth out, one by one, for what it has taken away from you. But it's impossible. Neither does it occur to anyone to blame time. And even if they do – it would, in any case, simply fly forward, unaffected by anything, not stopping even for a second to consider what had it just destroyed. And you, as an unwilling but yet inseparable part of it, are forced to move on with it, leaving your torn soul in that non-existent moment, forgotten by life and time. And your miserable body has to spend the rest of its life soulless and purposeless, waiting for time to drag it finally at that last stop of the ride. And at least then you get to rest in peace and not have to think of the moment when all was taken from you. Icy chill runs down my spine. Does the soul remain there? In that horrific, destructive moment, re-living it all over and over again? In blinding pain and no hope for redemption or forgiveness? Because there is simply no one left to save it. Even time had abandoned that place, leaving your soul a prisoner to nothingness. To eternity.

Something burns in the corners of my eyes, as I fly, _fly_ , forward. Time, the cold fecker, breathes in my neck, but I won't… _won't_... let it beat me. Dancer is not dying today – not today, not ever! I clench my teeth. Christian slowed me, determined not to let me go back. If I'm too late because of him, I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him for eternity, every single moment of it. I'll find a way to escape that last stop and will spend the rest of my forever killing him. _Feck_ , I'd give my soul to get the chance of ripping his heart into pieces centuries by centuries… Not that I'll have any soul left, should I be too late today. No, my soul will be right here. In this precise point of my life. Watching Dancer, dying together with him. Forever. Is that what immortality is? This frozen state of one's essence in a moment, deprived of time or life. Dude. I realize immortality sucks.

When I reach Chester's, I have no plan. No time for a plan. I freeze-frame faster than light. I never really got it… what's faster – light or time? I swoosh past every damned creature in Chester's, including Ryodan's men. Everyone stumbles confused. No one sees me. As if a hurricane suddenly passed through the whole building and evaporated in a matter of seconds. I have no time to stop. Yet I have no idea where to go. I need to know. _Now_. I look around franticly and see him. In one push I'm at him, plastering at the wall. It cracks behind him.

"Where!" I roar a single word.

Lor's face is appalling. Eyes widen, taking in my features, looking me into the eyes. _I have no time for this!_

"Now!" I roar again.

His lips twist after another moment of staring and tell me what I need to know.

"Level three."

I begin to shift gears mid-sentence. Something manacles my hand and doesn't let me leave. With feral gaze I turn back.

"Be careful, honey," Lor says quietly and let goes of me.

Our eyes meet then for a second, and in the next I'm already flying down the squeaking-clean stares of Chester's. The face of Lor, his eyes – everything is uprooted from my mind. The only reminder is the pulsating promise of a bruise on my arm.

At level three I finally slow down. The place is quiet and empty. Numerous corridors leak to all sides. But I know where I need to be. My heart skips a beat. He's there, straight ahead. I can feel him. Alive. Weak light of hope cracks through the icing dread. I step on it immediately. _No space for hope. It weakens._ I step in front of a door and still, bracing myself for the worst as I push it open.

"Dancer!" my voice betrays me.

I rush forward, sliding on my knees towards him, cupping his face. He's on the floor, leaning at the wall, eyes closed , head backwards. His face is sweaty and glasses are gone. There are bruises and cuts all over it. The moment I call him and touch him, he flinches. His eyelids tremble and lift slowly. The darkened gaze across me lightens up the moment he sees me.

"Mega…" he wheezes.

"No, don't talk. I'll get you out of here!"

I pull him up gently by the wrists and try to put him on his legs.

"Can you stand up?"

He shakes head and pulls away slowly.

"No, Mega.. I need to talk to you…"

"Not now, Dancer. Let me get us out of here first. Then we'll talk plenty. Come…'"

He pulls away more stubbornly. _We have no time for this._

"Come, Dancer! We'll talk later, but now we really need to get out of here, befo…"

I jerk and stop pulling up. The hair at my nape goes up slowly, and I know _he_ is here, before I even turn around. I let Dancer carefully on the floor, squeeze fists and flash back at him. One, two punches in the chest. I pull away and duck, avoiding his. My hands shoot forward and grab his ankle, pulling it sharply to the side. With a deep growl he stumbles and rocks down to the floor, landing on hands and pushing up almost immediately. I copy his moves and we stand face to face, measuring each other with eyes. Dancer is safe, behind my back. The man in front of me cuts me an icy look.

"You'll stop this very instant or the kid…" he begins quietly.

Ignoring him, I throw myself at him with crooked face. _I told him once never to take anything that is mine!_ _Ever!_ My fist lands on his jaw. His head twists backwards as if in slow-mo and for a moment I stare startled. Then he turns back to me with empty gaze and his pupils dilate fast, eyes turning full black. The resonating snarl deep in his chest reminds me that Dancer is here. In this place, completely unsuitable for humans. I squeeze my fists and step back. Ryodan continues to growl. His body vibrates at low frequency and I can hear his blood splashing through it. He's pissed. More than ever.

I stop retreating and feel my own blood boiling.

"What are _you_ pissed about?!" my leg ricochets violently from the floor as I try to both stomp and step.

My voice echoes in the room and bounces of all of us. The silence is heavy. Ryodan's breathing is the only thing that breaks it. Rale and deep, it reminds me of the beast.

"Mega…" Dancer begins.

Ryodan's head swivels towards him immediately and he snarls, snapping jaws at him. _Oh, no!_

"Don't you even look at him!" I scream.

I throw myself forward, grabbing his throat, mounting him on the ground. He flips me over before we even reach the ground and tumbles down on me, squeezing my throat just as hard. Our bodies are fused, vibrating in unison. My breathing is cut, his is inhuman. At this moment I know Ryodan is much, much stronger than me. This semi-beast form can rip me apart with a single move. My vision blurs from the lack of oxygen. Ryodan's face is so close. I feel his breath, his gaze. Ruthless. Killer. Part of me wants to cry. The contrast with our last meeting is heartrending. Gone. No trace of that laughing face... The beaten face of Dancer floats in front of my eyes almost immediately and evaporates any destructive emotions from me. This is who he is. My fingers tighten. This is who I am too.

We remain like that for what feels forever. Everything around us disappears and all I can see are too endless, empty black pupils and my own stone-cold reflection in them. Eventually I begin to recognize a presence of a sound. No, scream. Roar.

"Let go of each other you buggering idiots!" Dancer screams, punching clumsily at us. "You want to kill yourself? Let go…"

He pulls sharply Ryodan's arm. In one smooth motion Ryodan elbows him in the stomach and sends him off flying towards the wall.

I yell, kick over Ryodan with a knee and roll away. Next I'm at the wall, grabbing Dancers from the back, taking the impact of the blow on me. We slide heavy to the ground. My hands hug him and keep him close to me. I lift eyes wildly and meet Ryodan's. He's standing up now and approaches us with slow steps. Towering over us, I can swear his eyes never leave mine, even though his face is in the shadows now.

"Tell her." He bares his teeth. The shape of his body is… wrong. His chest expands continuously at each breath. His voice comes off guttural, growling.

I blink. _What?_

"Tell her." The rumble in his chest increases.

"What!" I snap back. Then I take a second to think. " _Who_?"

Suddenly I realize Ryodan is looking not at all at me, but Dancer. _Huh_? In full astonishment I look at the back of his head.

"Tell me what…"

No one moves.

"Tell me wha.. Dancer?" He remains still in my hands, head lowered. "Dancer?"

My heart hurts. Something is wrong. Dancer never looks away, never avoids me. I pull him closer and, ignoring Ryodan's growling, put chin at his shoulder and ask softly:

"Dancer? What's happening?"

He flinches as though startled by my voice and lifts slightly head. Looking unwillingly to the side, he mutters:

"Mega. I need to talk to you…"

"Spill it already." Ryodan grits his teeth and his voice finally starts resembling his human form again.

I look up at him furiously.

"Don't you interrupt him! He has something important to say! And you are not supposed to be here! Leave us already." I help Dancer up and hold him standing. "I came here for Dancer. I warned you not to take what's mine. You will pay for this. In blood and bones. Get out of here!"

His hand crushes mine in a painful grip and his lips lean against my ear as he hisses:

"You are going nowhere. Ever. . _mine_. And I suggest you also don't try to take what's mine. You won't like it, Dani."

He let goes and turns back.

"You have half an hour." He throws over the shoulder and slams the door after him.

I wait for a moment then turn franticly at Dancer.

"I will get you out of here. Can you stand?"

I offer my hand. Dancer confuses the feck out of me, when he steps back and shakes head.

"No, Mega. We really need to talk. I… "

" _Dancer_!" I try to sound reasonable. _What could be so important?_ "We _will_. I promise. But we can't stay here. Not with this dude. I think he wants to eat you."

"I have no doubt," Dancer mutters and takes another step back. "Mega, this is of no matter now. Listen, I want to tell you…"

"You really think this can't wait!..."

"No!" he snaps back at me.

I freeze and stare at him.

"Ah…" he rubs face and messes hair impatiently. Then he looks back at me. "Mega. Trust me, you would want to know this."

"What's going on?" alright, now he worries me. I decide to let him spill it fast then get us the hell out of here, before we are both manacled in some lame-ass dungeon again and I figure it's only logical to throw myself at Ryodan's neck again.

He turns and takes few more steps away, exhaling quietly. Then looks back, and panic chills me at the coldness in his eyes.

"Dancer..."

"What do you remember from your childhood, Mega?" his question leaves me catching flies with open mouth.

"What the feck has that have to do…"

"Do you remember anything else besides your mom? Before Dublin?"

"I… what?" my teeth clench. What the hell is he gabbing about? And I have no intention talking about my mom. Not with Dancer, not with anyone. "Look, dude. I don't know why you've decided now is the moment to get to know each other, but trust me…"

"I have no wish to get to know you, Mega." Dancer interrupts me.

Okay. Now he begins to irritate me.

"Great. Because we have no time fo…"

"I already know you." He cuts me again.

I clench teeth.

"Great. Let's go."

"We are not going anywhere, Mega. Listen to me… " Dancer waves impatiently with hand.

"Look, if you traipse some more – I'm going without you! Do you really wanna stay here with this psychopath Ryodan? You'll hardly play chess, believe me!"

"Ryodan doesn't bother me one bit." He looks me funny. "He can do absolutely nothing to me."

"Dude. Your face."

He waves again.

"Scratches. Ryodan can't get rid of me. I…" he bites lips for a second. "I will always be here. No matter what he does."

I stare at him silently.

"Dancer? Are you alright? Did Ryodan hit you on the head or something…"

I don't get it. Dancer usually gets the situation from half a word. Why is he suddenly so dense? There is no logic in anything he says. And this is Dancer. He is always logical.

"In this tiny fraction of eternity – I am here," he continues. "And always will be. Over and over again. And... – his eyes give crazy a whole new meaning – ...Ryodan can't do a squat about it, trust me."

Suddenly I feel like a rare insect under magnifying glass, as his attention goes back on me.

"And you are also always here. I don't know why exactly this part of your life – maybe it doesn't even matter. All I know is that I am here and so are you. And so it will be forever."

"Dude." I shake head. _What did Ryodan do to him_!

"And you are wrong, Mega. I know you. For most of my life. And there hasn't been a single second I haven't thought of you.

"Bull!" I explode. "You know we met after the walls fell!"

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was during the time Mac was pri-ya and Barrons went into hiding with her for months. I've been looking for them everywhere. Days and nights, weeks after weeks. It's when I met Dancer. Surviving through it all, all on his own. I was fascinated. Dude! This ain't him! What the hell is wrong with him!

I look at him and he is giving me that sceptical look, making annoyance boil up in me fast. This is such a waste of time. Don't even know why he's bothering us with it.

"Don't you think I'd remember if I knew you for almost forth of a century!" I snap curtly, angry I'm letting him drag me into this nonsense.

His eyes pierce me.

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?"

His voice is chilling. I blink stupefied. Before I get around to answer he asks sharply:

"Do you know how I knew you are Dani, and not Jada?"

The change of the conversation annoys me further.

"Dude, I don't know what's wrong with you and why you are talking like that, but you better explain it quick. We met in November. Last year for you that is. You've arrived in Dublin just before the walls fell…"

"Technically, I came to Dublin exactly the night of October 31st," he cuts me and waves with hand. "Not that it matters. But this is where you're wrong Mega. I didn't arrive last year. I've been in Dublin for a very, very long time. For me that is. For you it's indeed a year… or five. This time."

This time? I shake head in confusion and for a moment I forget Ryodan and the urgency of the situation. I rub eyes tired and ask quietly:

"What are you saying, Dancer? Just tell me. Quit beating around the bush."

He approaches me hesitantly, holding my eyes. The unusual detachment of his gaze leaves strange dull ache in my chest. I feel his hand touching mine, taking it in. Our fingers lace. We stand face to face and I realize something is happening. Something important for him. I want to help him and my heart hurts, because I don't know how.

"Just tell me…"

His face is taut, when he speaks again.

"I knew you weren't Jada, because if you were – I wouldn't have to tell you anything. You would have remembered everything."

My face is impervious. I want to let him speak.

"You and I…" Dancer drops my hand and slides fingers in his hair, remaining still like this, holding head between hands. "Ahh, every bloody time! I hate doing it!"

I stretch hand and touch him lightly.

"You and I what, Dancer?"

He looks at me again and sighs.

"You and I… we are not like the rest of the people, Mega."

"Dude. I know that. We are superheroes!"

He smiles faintly, but it doesn't reach his eyes. Yet another shot of ache runs through my heart.

"Yeah… with the only difference, we were _created_ to be something else."

My heart slows down and suddenly I feel at the edge of enormous cliff. If I jump – I know there is no turning back. If I don't, I'll never know what's hidden down there. _Dancer knows something._ I _need_ to know it too _._

"What _else_?"

His eyes trace my features slowly. Then he shrugs and says:

"Weapons."

The silence lies heavy on us like never before. We look at each other, both with shields up, as if none is willing to betray a thought to the other. _Gah_! Who are we? This is Dancer! I can tell him anything. I squeeze through teeth:

"Dude. Tell me something I don't know."

Rowena _did_ make me into a weapon. It's true. Is this what it is? He's learnt what I've done for that old witch? And now he's about to start judging, just like… yeah, Mac did? Dude. No way am I letting him interrogate me. No way am I justifying myself. He shakes head and I feel my defenses shooting up.

"Not only you, Mega… me too."

 _Huh? He means_ …

"You knew Rowena?"

If that bat laid even a finger on him – I'm going to dig up her old rotten bones and kicked them from here to Sunday and back! Did she know about him? The things she would have done to him, if she did! Dude. I get goose bumps just thinking about it. I know what she did to me…

"No, Mega. She took only you. Not me. I guess, it's because you seemed… the stronger ace in the hole for her," he giggles lightly and for the first time I've known him, I feel madness in his voice. "I wouldn't disagree on that one, actually."

He gives me a stern look and for a moment I get the sense of complete alienation in him. A person I neither know nor understand. His eyes shine feverishly.

"No, Mega. She chose you, because you were precisely what she needed. The strongest sidhe-seer ever living. Unstoppable weapon against the fae. Perfect killer. Your blood combines the talents of all major sidhe-seer families, plus additional … modifications. Fully experimental. Wildly successful. This is why you are the way you are. Not because you are chosen, or special, or circumstantial product of unbelievable luck. No. You are _made_ this way."

My heart slams in my chest so hard, I am almost sure even Dancer can hear it.

"Where did you hear all this? How… no, _who_? Who made me this way!"

He closes eyes.

"No matter. This is not the point…"

"This is not the point?! What is the point then?!"

I shake. _He knows something_. About me. About what I am. _Why_ I am. And chooses to withhold it. _Dude!_

" _I_ am the point, Mega! _Me_." He replies emphatically.

"You?" my brain pulsates. "What about you, Dancer!"

"I too am a weapon, Mega."

He lifts hand and silences me.

"No, you are right. We don't have time. You need to hear me out. Now."

I stare at him and he stares back. I'm enraged and excited and I can barely control myself. Dude. No trace of Jada left here. I bristle silently and force my lips to seal. He sees my silent agree and nods satisfied. Letting small air out, he then closes eyes and begins:

"Their name is Triton Corp. A powerful ancient organization, aware of both fae and sidhe-seers. For centuries they've been snooping around, learning things, studying both sides. You can imagine what immense source of power it would be to control either of them. Preferably both. Such combination would give tools to take over the whole world. Worlds, even. You, Dani," he opens eyes and gives me cold emotionless look that chills deep in my chest, "were their best weapon so far. The perfect sidhe-seer. Rowena's obedient assassin."

He lifts finger and stops my revolted objection.

" _Were_. Rowena is gone. And with the latest developments – I doubt that any of them is stupid enough to think of controlling you."

A small shadow of a conspiratory smile crosses his face so fast, I'm not entirely sure I didn't just imagine it out of old habits. In any case, it melts away instantly, as he continues with his ludicrous story.

"As you can imagine, they were not willing to take the risk of …betting everything on one horse. And so, besides you, there was also a plan B. In case of… failed management of the project, as they called it. This plan B – I am sure you already see where this is going – was me... A human prototype of fae."

My eyes slowly widen and run all over his face. _Is this a joke?_

"Much less successful than you, I would say. Regeneration was never my thing." He smile is crooked. There isn't a single trace of the usual warmth in it. "No matter how hard they tried to … make it happen."

The way he says that gives me the impression that even if half of what he's saying is true – those experiments were never painless nor safe. My hands curl into fists.

"Eventually they gave up investing more time and resources into that direction, and focused on the next best thing – sifting." He pauses for a second. "Now, _this_ was much better than the whole regeneration fiasco, have to give them that."

I go numb. _Dancer can sift?_ My head throbs and I can literally hear the brain thinking, taking in info, trying to make sense out of it. _What the feck is he saying? Can any of this actually be true_ … The echo of his voice penetrates slowly through my thoughts and I re-focus.

"Still, I wouldn't really put sifting into my CV. After I've spent six months of intensive trainings, experimental procedures, including exposures to different states of matter and electrical stimulations, I finally managed. To this day I have no idea how I did it – it was like tapping the TV. Whatever it was, though, it definitely worked."

"You can _sift_?!" the question escapes before I could stop it.

Dancer looks at me funny, as if doubting. Then he takes in breath and nods.

"Yes and no."

"Dude!"

"I managed only once at will. And even then it wasn't …exactly correct. You see, I sifted. But not through space…"

I shake my head incredulously.

"…but in time."

My eyebrows slowly lift up and silence once again lies heavily on us. Because he says nothing else, I repeat blankly.

"In time."

He nods. His eyes are burning.

"In time."

"Dude, what the _feck_!" I explode. This is too much.

"I'm not making it up, Mega! Think! Why would I lie to you? What possible reason would I have to tell you any of this, unless it was the truth?" his hands lie on my shoulders. "Think. I know you can remember. It's in you."

"Dude, what the feck do _I_ have to do with the whole story? Why would I remember any of it…"

"If she can, you can too, Mega."

"She – _who_?" surely he doesn't mean…

"Jada! She knows this is all true…"

"Bull! Dude, why would Jada know anything about you that I don't…"

"Because she remembers!" he explodes too. "Everything. No matter how young you were. She remembers _me_. And would never forget me. Nor will I forget her. She was our only hope in that God-forsaken place…"

"What place?!" I yell, trying to out-shout him. Everything protests in me. This isn't us! We don't yell at each other! We don't doubt or lie to each other! We are pees in the Mega-pot! I look at him and feel something heavy growing in my chest.

Dancer takes in deep breath and holds it for a moment. When he continues, he looks tired like I've never seen him before.

"Triton's lab. The place where we came to be." He rubs eyes and I just stand stupefied. "I know you were little, Dani, and you cannot remember. You were only two. But, God, you should've seen yourself! Fire-child. Life and power poured off you like nothing I've seen before. And even though you were little, your instincts were perfect. You knew there was something wrong. With what they did to you. To me. Bloody hell, it was you who came to me to comfort me, gave me hope, after each day of torture. Soon enough, no matter what they were doing to me, anticipating the end of the day so I can finally see you again, was all I could do and live for. I spent sixteen years deprived of humanity. Trying not to be a human. And then you came. And the next two years of my life were the happiest I've ever known."

I stand frozen, staring speechless at the aqua eyes of Dancer, remembering how I always thought they seemed fae-brushed. And even though the things he tells me cannot possibly be true – I know his eyes don't lie. I try to say something. Anything. Any sound. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. There is a big lump, stuck in my throat and I'm afraid I will never get it out. And it will stay there, tearing my flesh, until I suffocate from this horrifying, painful feeling.

"And then it happened." Dancer continues quietly. "I finally sifted. I was terrified. You have no idea. It never crossed my mind we would actually succeed in bending space, even more – time. No one considered the possibility that both things are linked. One moment I was in the laboratory, the next my whole body fell apart. I swear, I died. Next thing I remember is opening eyes, lying in a hidden, small alley in the middle of the freezing night. I neither knew where I was, nor how to go back. But what was even worse – I didn't even imagine to wonder _when_ I was."

Fingers trace my cheek and my whole body flinches as if electrocuted. His eyes sink in mine and I finally start seeing the familiar twinkles of Dancer's gaze.

"Few days later I saw you." He shakes head and I almost stop breathing. "At first I couldn't believe it. I knew it was you the moment I saw you. Despite all logic. And the only thing I could do with it – is to use it as fulcrum for any sequential events. A way not to lose my mind. It made everything easier. The moment I accepted that you were there, and you were twelve years later – everything gained some sense. I had no idea how and why – but in some miraculous way I sifted through time, exactly in that moment and place, when the walls between the realms fell. And ever since then I'm stuck here. And have no idea how to go back."

The lump in my throat expands, and yet I push and squeeze hoarse words around it.

"W-why…" I swallow hard and try again. "W-why are you telling me all this only now? Why wait so long? Why not telling me the moment you saw me… "

Dancer throws head back and explodes in heartbreaking laughter.

"Oh, why, Dani. I did.."

"No…"

"The first time. The moment I saw you. I ran towards you, yelling like an idiot, waving hands. I can't describe you the expression on your face." His lips still twitch. "Can't say it was the smartest way of approaching you."

"Dude! There is no way this happened!"

"You're wrong, Dani," his smile remains a little longer. "It did. The first time. I'm not proud to say that the next few times as well. Despite all the genius you accredit me – I can't say I particularly excelled in this situation. After a time I finally learned which was the correct reaction. But never from the first time."

"What do you mean – after a time…" I ask weakly.

"You see, Dani, this is not the whole story yet. It would have been too easy if it was. No. The thing is… my time here is limited. And every time it expires – it's as if someone hits the restart button and everything starts all over again. And every time I go back to that dark alley, in the middle of Dublin, the night the walls fell."

My blood draws away from my face and I want to puke.

"What do you mean your time is limited… you are telling me that any moment now you can blink out of existence and sift back?"

He nods and spikes pierce my heart.

"No…"

"It's different every time. I'm not sure what it depends on. I suspect some realms are more stable than others, but I still have no way of calculating it."

"How… feck, Dancer! How long has this been going on?"

"Long, Mega."

"How long!"

His lips form a thin line.

"Does it matter?"

I look at him helplessly. The lump in my throat is long gone. The watery corners of my eyes are my new source of irritation.

"Dancer… we can't let this happen. There must be a way! You have no idea the crazy things I've seen the last five years! Nothing is impossible. Feck! You must know that yourself!"

His gaze is of a someone about to tell the bad news to a kid. I fist my hands. _He's giving up! How could he just give up!_

"Dude! Don't you understand! If we do nothing – you'll disappear and will never see me again!"

I have no idea how to go back in time. If he goes – he goes. Dancer will no longer _be_ in my life. I cannot bare that thought. I don't think of it.

His face is forlorn. The cool detachment returns to it and for a second I pray not to hear what I know he is about to say.

" _You_ won't see me again, Mega. I will come back to this moment. And will have a new chance."

"Chance…?" My heart hurts.

"To meet you again." His eyes pierce mine and I feel burning drops falling down my cheek.

I wipe them furiously.

"But it won't be _me_!"

He stills. Then his lips twitch up momentarily, even though the eyes remain expressionless. Suddenly I feel the presence of something… inhuman in him. _How come I've miss it for so long_?

"Funny. No matter, which version of you I meet, whenever we reach this point – this is the only thing you say with perfect consistency."

Bitter tinge painfully coils in my mouth, sneaking deeper in me, and I can literally feel my brain resetting, rewiring on a new wave. Strong, repulsive wave. I despise myself for feeling this way. I feel tainted. Envy towards _me._ That other version of me, who will get the chance to see Dancer again. And he will forget all about me, that is _me_ , and will become her Dancer. Gah! I cannot stand myself! My body begins to vibrate. Suddenly I want to get out of here, even without him, and cover deep somewhere. Somewhere no one can reach. Not Dancer, not Christian… Not Ryodan.

The thought of him unnerves me and I begin to vibrate even more furiously and everything around begins to resonate in matching low frequency. The thought of him being close, maybe even about to enter and see me like this, scares me more than anything in the world. I don't know what I would do if Ryodan was here now.

I look at Dancer angered.

"Dude. We are leaving. Time to find a solution to your travel issue once for all and don't you even think of giving me that _other me_ crap! It's offensive!"

He tenses.

"Offensive?!" His voice shakes a little. "Let me tell you what is offensive. Every bloody time, no matter what I do, what I say or how events happen – you always, _always_ choose him."

My jaw drops and I stare at him speechless.

"Wha…"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm saying, because _this_ is offensive! Bugger it all, I thought that it's due to your young age, that you were easily impressed. And should you be a bit older – you would at last look at me and see _me_. Or at least remember me, for God's sake! I've tried everything! But every time Jada showed up, that bloody idiot chased her away. Even the Silvers didn't' help!"

My heart beat echoes dully in my chest. Suddenly, everything darkens around me and the only thing I see is the cold look of the person I faithfully loved with no reason. Person I did not know for even a second.

My voice shakes as I say:

"What do you mean even the Silvers didn't help…"

"You have no idea for how long I've been living this piece of time. Of your life. Again and again. I can't even name you the number of times I've met you all over again. How many times I get to know you. How many times I was not there on time to save you and watched how you…"

His voice drops.

"Every time I try to memorize what to do and how, to prevent things from happening. Things I don't want to happen. Eventually I learnt the important moments. When and where I need to be. What I need to say. How much space to give you. Hah, I think this time was one of the most successful once so far. Silvers were always a risky part, because I wasn't sure you would ever come back. But I tried everything else… they are my only chance! I let you spend more time with Ryodan, so he could prepare you. I had to be extremely precise and careful with my moves. Several times I couldn't get you back, after spending so much time with him. You'd just follow his lead and choose him, just like he'd wanted from the beginning. But _this_ time… it was almost perfect. I didn't even dare to imagine such an outcome."

My mouth fills with bitter taste and almost makes me spit, before I whisper hoarsely:

"What outcome."

He beams at me with Dancer's eyes, and yet the only thing I see is excitement from his latest observation, another clue into what to do _next_ time, with the _next_ me.

"You. Coming back from the Silvers. All grown. At last. Dani. You have no idea how long I'd waited to see you like this. And the possibility of you being Jada…"

"What." my voice is bleak.

My ears are full. With each word the Dancer I know is dying more and more. And not only that. Dying, he also takes away from me every single bit of him, leaving a hollow, bottomless hole instead of the memories of him. I look at him through a hateful cape of wetness.

"The thought of you coming back as Jada, gave me hope for the first time in countless amounts of realms," his face is exhilarated, but I know it has nothing to do with me. "Not this time but… next, I hope."

I dig in nails in my palms and freeze at one spot, because if I don't, if I take even a single step towards him – I'm going to do something I will regret until the rest of my life… and my plate is already full on that account.

My voice is frosty and I almost keep the tremble in it under control:

"I _was_ Jada for a very long time in the Silvers. And, believe me, not even once had she thought of a teenage failed experiment. Let me assure you, the only thought in her head was not you at all, but someone completely different. Someone, who … as impossible as it seems… you managed to surpass in artifice and manipulation."

Dancer's head is bent down and he denies nothing. I want to cry. I want to shake him, tell him to stop. I want _him_ to tell me none of it true. I want to scream at him that this is _us_! And whatever happens, we will always find a way. And we _will_ to get him out of this mess! And he shouldn't give up, and shouldn't just accept it. But the possibility of repeating word by word something my _me_ -s have probably have been telling him hundreds of times, seals my lips dead. I look at him with both regret and detestation.

"Did you make it so I enter the Silvers."

He lifts eyes and looks into mine.

"It's not that simple. Everything is interconnected. One action changes everything…"

"Did you make it so I enter the Silvers!"

He gives me a short look and drops eyes again.

"I've been studying the chain of events for decades, Mega. I know your every move, in every possible situation. And of course this is only a small fraction of the infinite number of possible realms. The Silvers make it even harder to manipulate. But any other turn of events would just drive you away from me, closer to him. It _had_ to be the Silvers! … The only problem is you never came back. Until now. Sometimes I had to wait for months until I'm sent to the re-set position and can begin all over again, and you never appeared. After such cases I usually kept you from the Silvers the next time I meet you… so we could catch up the lost time…"

"C-catch up?!" My teeth clatter. "Do you have any idea what you've let me go through! Dude!... You are… you… you are no friend of mine at all. In fact, congratulations. I think you just graduated into finally being what you were _made_ to be. _A fecking fae!_ "

"Mega…"

I slice the air between us with hand.

"Not a word more, Dancer. I. Don't. Want. To. Know. You. I don't want to _see_ you! In fact I want to…"

I tighten my lips. Is he really going to do this to me, over and over again? Until he finally gets the version of me he wants? Can I really let him…?

"I can't die Mega. I just go back to the restart position." His gaze is apologetic. "I tried. Even with the sword..."

Suddenly I'm aware my face is fully wet. So is his. My heart hurts to the point of physical pain. I don't understand. Why is it supposed to be this way! Out of all possibilities – why does this one have to be the real one. Neither of us wants it.

I look at him and his shape is fuzzy from the tears in my eyes.

"Don't do that to me next time, Dancer. Just trust me, confide in me…"

His jaws ripple.

"I've tried this, Mega. For too long." The words barely escape through the clenched teeth. "You choose him every bloody time."

His face is unwavering. There is absolutely nothing I can tell him to change his mind. I doubt I would come up with something original, considering he probably heard thousands of versions of my answer.

Still I try. I swallow anger and resentment and dive deep in the place I normally keep locked. I look for all my love and trust towards the person in front of me, infuse them into every pour of my body. I let myself believe and _hope_ that this is different. And it is real. And he would hear _me_. The _me_ that is part of _us._ The only _us_ that can ever exist.

"Dancer, please… for _me_ …"

He slices head instantly.

"I can do only one thing for _you_ , Mega." Wiping face, he stretches hand towards me. "I can get you out of here."


End file.
